thursday november 30

today i passed a guy in talbot college who was poring over some sort of paper whose title, printed in large type on the front page, ended: "ain't shit." his hand was covering the first part of the title, preventing me from seeing the whole thing. and i have no idea if this was an essay, some other form of assignment, or perhaps even a rough copy of a screenplay! but imagine the possibilities if this was indeed an essay for, say, a shakespeare class. possibilities for titles and corresponding essay topics:

1. "bitches ain't shit" -- most obvious title, of the same name as the classic dr. dre track. this would obviously be an essay discussing gender roles in taming of the shrew.
2. "witches ain't shit" -- an essay arguing against the importance of the witches' role in macbeth.
3. "twitches ain't shit" -- an essay arguing that lady macbeth's eventual craziness does not diminish the importance of her role in macbeth.
4. "switches ain't shit" -- an essay arguing that the wildly varying subjects and objects of love in a midsummer night's dream do not diminish the play's impact as an affecting romantic comedy



wednesday november 29

today i drank eight full bottles of water. it was probably the most water i ever drank in a day, even this summer when i was a landscapist. the frequency with which i made lengthy number-one bathroom trips today was irritating and probably not worth feeling 'healthy.'


tuesday november 28

today i compiled a preliminary playlist of 207 potential candidates for my eventual top songs of 2006 list. instead of writing a now overdue essay.


monday november 27

today i received an e-mail with the subject line: "wanna hold a brick on your dick? try our cialis soft tabs (warning: don't try it)." the body of the e-mail reads: "with our soft cialis tabs you will be able to chop the wood with your dick (warning: don’t try it). you always wanted to use your penis as a billiards cue. our soft cialis tabs can help you fulfill your dreams."

i know that laughing at the contents of spam e-mails is a bit played out, but in a few short lines this one
a) rhymes;
b) provides three hilarious and wildly impractical alternate uses for dicks;
c) provides "don't try this at home"-style warnings for these alternate uses; and
d) appears to instruct the reader NOT to try the advertised product immediately after extending the invitation to try it

and i have to recognize and appreciate it for this.


sunday november 26

today i looked over my shoulder approximately once every 15 seconds for three blocks on oxford street to keep tabs on the lone person walking about 200 yards behind me. under normal circumstances, i would pay this person no mind, but it was 3:30 am and there was no one else in sight. i had spent my last three dollars an hour earlier paying for a small fraction of a cab ride, and was concerned that if he attempted to mug me and found me penniless, he'd settle for taking the only thing of value left in my wallet: my constantines ticket. i was not about to let him take my place at that show.


saturday november 25

today i watched a squirrel skulk around on a neighbour's lawn carrying no less than five or six scrunched-up leaves in his mouth. what did he need with these leaves? theory: he is blind and thought they were nuts. this would explain why he kept walking around in circles not really going anywhere. alternate theory: he is building some sort of fort.


friday november 24

today i saw an advertisement on a bus shelter that read: "forget about 'em... lose your life" and had a picture of some candles in the background. i guess the implied message here is: "(if you) forget about 'em (the candles, that is)... (there's a chance that they could fall over and burn out of control and if you've fallen asleep or whatever you'll probably) lose your life." at first though, i read it as: "forget about 'em(, those other people in the bus shelter or on the bus with you. you don't need them. they don't even care about you)... lose your life (here, use these candles to do it)" and it seemed like a pretty sinister advertisement by some sort of coalition against overpopulation.


thursday november 23

today i sat in on a jam session with the rock band titty driven. they let me accompany the jamming (with hand-clapping and heavy breathing), and i felt the creative energy rushing through my blood and through my bones. it was exhilarating.


wednesday november 22

today i pulled my first all-nighter of the school year. i was on campus at 7:00 am and there was frost covering all of the ground and no students anywhere. it was quite nice.


tuesday november 21

today i had to bring a lot of books to school. see i planned to read some poems from my british literature anthology and read through some of the books on modern brit lit i'd borrowed from the library, so that i could decide what to write an essay on. there were a lot of books. my backpack couldn't handle this. for the last three or four years, my right shoulder strap has been hanging by mere threads, meaning that i can't put all the weight on that shoulder or bring more than one textbook to school at a time, for fear of it breaking. while leaving my first class today, i heard a pop next to my right ear that suggested threads giving out! i immediately sprung into action, shifting all the weight to my left shoulder and moving a couple of the books out of the bag (one fit in my coat pocket; i carried another). but sadly this was the straw that broke the camel's back....pack. later in the day, the strap snapped off and i was left looking pretty weird (one strap hanging down to the ground) and with a sore shoulder during my walk home.

so i need a new backpack i guess.


monday november 20

today i ate dinner downtown. after i finished, i went to the bus stop to take the bus to class. while standing at the bus stop, i noticed that a giant but bizarrely stubborn piece of sandwich had lodged itself in between two of my bottom teeth. i worked at it with my tongue for a while (at the bus stop, on the bus, walking to class, etc.) but it just would not come out! upon arriving at the ucc, i decided to go to the bathroom so i could work the fingers without the public embarrassment of digging around in my mouth like a caveperson. when i got there though, there were three dudes around and i still had no privacy! so i went to class and worked the tongue pretty hard for another 50 minutes, to no avail. after cursing myself for not carrying around a piece of floss with me at all times, i bolted for the bathroom once again at the break. this time i had it to myself and went to town with the fingers, eventually prevailing and proving man's superiority to food, once and for all. it was a harrowing hour and a half, but spitting that piece of sandwich into the sink was the best moment of my week so far.


sunday november 19

today i received an e-mail with the subject line "mart has sent you a personalized e-greeting from itsredagain.com!" i deleted it because mart obviously isn't a real name and it came in with a bunch of other spam and no one wants to click links in sketchy e-mails. later i found out that it was from my mother and she'd made a typo while spelling mary.


saturday november 18

today i fell asleep at 5 am in a bus shelter outside the real canadian superstore at oxford and hyde park.


friday november 17

today i spoke on the phone to a representative of the toronto blue jays who tried to get me to renew my ticket package for the upcoming season. when i told her that i'd rather not commit to anything at this point, she said she'd bet me $1000 that i'd call her back in march, regretting my decision. i wish i'd taken her up on this offer. she had a sexy voice and all but for $1000 i think i could hold off on calling her indefinitely.


thursday november 16

today i rode the bus to school and saw one of my friends elsewhere on the bus but didn't try to talk to her or even say hi because the bus was full and she had headphones on. afterwards i felt a little bad and gave myself an internal talking to for being antisocial.

then i did it again to a different friend on the bus ride home.


wednesday november 15

today i sat for an hour with a large fruit tray (radius: 6.5 inches, height: 2.5 inches), slowly eating most of it. it was around half full when i started and by the end it was nearly empty. there were cantaloupes, grapes, and various melons. it was delicious but i was a little sick of fruit by the end and in need of representation from the other food groups, or at least in need of a liedown.


tuesday november 14

today i decided to get back into prince after hearing "i wanna be your lover" in a movie. i missed prince. listening to him made me want to have a prince dance party. then i thought that it would be even better if i took the idea a step further and made it a full-fledged royalty party. costumes required. you wouldn't have to dress as royalty per se. you could get creative. like, anything from queen latifah to queen victoria to rodney king to king kong to princess superstar to princess peach would be acceptable. the more creative, the better. and the soundtrack would be all prince, of course, highlighted by "baby i'm a star," "i could never take the place of your man," and "i wanna be your lover." "purple rain" would be the slow-jam finale. there would need to be a lot of crowns. a lot of crowns.