monday november 29

today i was walking along margueretta toward bloor and noticed a girl walking toward me on the same side of the street. when we were still about 50 feet apart, she veered off the sidewalk and into the road, appearing to get ready to cross it. no big deal, i thought. after all, if i need to cross a street, i always do it just as i'm approaching someone, to avoid that awkward passing moment. however, as she walked past me, she didn't seem to be getting any closer to the other side of the road. a few seconds later, i turned around to glance back and saw that she'd returned to the sidewalk on our side of the street! apparently, i look threatening enough that she just wanted to give me a really wide berth as we crossed paths. i felt vaguely insulted for the rest of my walk.

sunday november 28

today i took a cab driven by a lady. not to be sexist or anything, but it's the first time i can ever remember this happening.


saturday november 27

today i met a friend of a friend for the second time. she greeted me as "trevor," having forgotten my actual name and thinking that i looked like i ought to be a trevor.

friday november 26

today i went to toby's to watch some sports and listen to "dj law" spin some good rap music. having heard him play one great rap song after another on wednesday, i was excited to stay later on in the night to see what he played. however, during the first 30-60 minutes of his night, dance songs and mediocre rap dominated the playlist. finally, i couldn't take it anymore. i approached him and, as tactfully as i could, said, "weren't you here on wednesday? weren't you playing, like.... good rap music then?" he sheepishly explained that he was trying to appease management and appeal to the weekend crowd, but from that point on, the music was noticeably better. i like to believe my guilt trip had something to do with that.

thursday november 25

today i spent much of the afternoon at work checking in on nfl.com's gametracker for the patriots/lions early thanksgiving game. the only available internet browser on my work computer, for whatever reason, is internet explorer -- and not just internet explorer, but an OLD version of it. as such, nfl.com's fancy auto-updated box score wouldn't even work, making the entire process an exercise in frustration and constant refreshes.


wednesday november 24

today i was sitting in my cubicle when a coworker came in and asked if i wanted to contribute $2. not hearing what the cause was, but expecting it to be some sort of united way fundraiser, i was surprised when she said that the money would go toward a lotto 6/49 group ticket. happily, i forked over a toonie. i'd never played the lottery before in my life, but for some reason this felt like the sort of convivial office activity i wanted to be a part of, like an amusing b-plot in an episode of the office.


tuesday november 23

today i was standing on the subway on the way to work, packed in so tightly that i couldn't even comfortably extend my arms to read my book. glancing around, i noticed an article in the "living" section of a copy of the toronto star that a nearby woman was reading. the title was something like "my cat is nothing like garfield." even as a catchy hook, this struck me as incredibly ridiculous. coming soon: "my family is nothing like jon and kate plus 8," "my garage is nothing like the bat cave," and "my president is nothing like bill pullman in independence day."

monday november 22

today i was walking back and forth between my laundromat, and noticed a slew of boxes and suitcases on our front porch. the only word i could decipher of the unrecognizable writing on the labels was: "vietnam." moments later, these packages were loaded up into a van along with our elderly vietnamese landlords, who live below us. were they going to vietnam? was this their luggage? were they just mailing some really big packages? these are the questions that remain unanswered.


sunday november 21

today i went to ali baba's and noticed that they had a weekend special on -- a discount on shawarmas, but only if you ordered two. feeling pretty hungry, i decided to go for it, and asked for two chicken shawarmas. for some reason, i felt it important to convey to the guy behind the counter that they weren't both for me, and that i was buying the second one for some unseen person. to try to get this lie across, i had the two sandwiches prepared differently, getting one with hot sauce on it and one without. when the guy was wrapping up the pair of sandwiches and writing "spicy" on the one with hot sauce, i nearly volunteered "yeah, my girlfriend doesn't like the hot sauce!" this would have been particularly inexplicable not only because it was entirely unprompted, but because i'm single.

saturday november 20

today i was planning to meet a pair of friends for brunch at the bloordale pantry. i showed up just a couple minutes after our appointed meeting time, and saw two groups of people in front of me waiting for tables. assuming i was the first one of our group there, i waited behind the other people in line, even giving my name to the hostess for when a table opened up. about five minutes later, i received a text from one of my friends, saying they were in a booth in the restaurant. sure enough, when i walked to the back of the room, there they were. if not for the text, i have no idea how long it would've taken me to figure things out on my own. likely, it wouldn't have happened until well after i was seated at my own booth waiting for them.


friday november 19

today i had an issue with an application form at work, so i went to go ask my supervisor had to handle it. on my way to her cubicle, i ran into her heading in the other direction. "ah, i was just coming to see you," i said. "do you mind if we walk and talk?" she asked. i replied "sure," waited a beat as we started walking, and then joked, "i feel like i'm on the west wing!" big laughs. it was the first moment at work this week that made me feel like i had a personality.


thursday november 18

today i sent out a flurry of texts, to at least four different people, during a break at work. after sending the messages, i imagined a tv-esque montage of all the recepients checking their phones and smiling when they saw my name. this daydream eventually evaporated when no one texted me back for the next two hours.

wednesday november 17

today i was about to go to bed when i noticed a fly buzzing around my room. not eager to turn off the light and spend the night listening to this fly buzzing around me, i decided it had to be dealt with before sleeping. this wouldn't be an easy task though. this was one of those hyperactive flies that just circles the room, never landing and stopping to catch its breath -- there'd be no chance to kill it. after some futile attempts to "shoo" it into the hall, i took another approach. turning all the lights in my room off, i opened my door and turned the hallway light on. within seconds, the fly had found its way into the hall, at which point i quickly ducked back into my room and closed the door, ready for an uninterrupted night of sleep.

tuesday november 16

today i spent a good portion of the day at work, regretting having been out late for beers with a friend last night. no more drinks until the weekend, i thought to myself at multiple times throughout the day. this vow didn't even hold up until the evening. on my way home from work, i stopped at the horseshoe tavern to buy concert tickets and ran into a friend at the bar, who convinced me to have a beer with him.


monday november 15

today i received a brief appraisal of my performance so far from my work supervisor, who said she'd "looked over the statistics" on the weekend. after she left, my imagination ran away with ideas about what sort of statistics they were tracking and compiling. although the actual stats were probably fairly basic, i imagined there being the equivalent of baseball's advanced statistics (war, fip, vorp, etc.) for data entry. i think what i'd be most interested to see would be a "splits" page that broke my performance down by time of day ("the hour before lunch," for example).


sunday november 14

today i was standing outside pizza pizza when a man came up and asked me if i could give him some bus money to help him get to newmarket. i said i didn't have any change, which prompted him to go on a lengthy, nonsensical rant that ended with him telling me, "i feel sorry for you" and storming off.

saturday november 13

today i unexpectedly had beer poured on me. although the experience was rather unpleasant, leaving me wet and reeking of booze, there was one silver lining: i got the chance to pretend that i was on a sports team that had just clinched a playoff spot.


friday november 12

today i was watching the raptors/magic game at a bar with a friend, when we were asked by the bartender if we could shift down a couple seats to make room for another group. after moving down the bar, we were sitting next to black guy who was also watching the game and was enthusiastic about making conversation with us. after some harmless small talk and joking, he got serious during a commercial break. "i don't mean to be racist," he said. "but what the raptors need is more black guys."

thursday november 11

today i was thinking about the clever names of hearing clinics that i've come across at my job while handling paperwork for hearing aids. "hear after" and "sound ideas" are among the clinic names i've seen already. my thoughts turned to what sort of punny name or slogan i'd concoct if i were starting a hearing clinic, and after thinking for about 30 seconds, i settled on "here today, hear tomorrow." though i was initially pleased with this brainstorm, the more i considered it, the more problematic a slogan i found it. i feel like the question it immediately inspires is: "if you're here today, why do you have to wait until tomorrow to hear? why doesn't it happen right away?"


wednesday november 10

today i opened a bag of "fun size" peanut m&m's left over from halloween. while i wasn't expecting much, i was shocked to see that the small size of the bag and large size of the peanut m&m's meant that there were only three in the bag. how is that fun?


tuesday november 9

today i realized that, despite working there for nearly a week and a half now, i had never seen the outside of my office building. if someone showed me a photo of it, i'd have no idea whether it was my workplace or some random building across the city.


monday november 8

today i forgot to put on a belt before i went to work. while it's not like my pants were in danger of falling down, i still felt self-conscious the entire day for not wearing a belt with dress pants and a tucked-in dress shirt. whenever i was forced to walk around the office, i was convinced that every person i passed was taking notice (unlikely -- i've been there over a week and STILL no one has asked about my awesome arm scar). it got to the point where every time i got up and walked around, i'd carry a handful of papers at waist level in an attempt to at least partially cover up the fact that i was beltless.


sunday november 7

today i was walking home from the dufferin mall when i approached a house where a mother and two small children were in the yard. as i passed by on the sidewalk, the boy appeared to be heartily booing me, the way toronto sports fans would boo vince carter or a.j. burnett. slightly shaken for a moment, i ultimately surmised that he either just enjoyed the sound he was making, or was aiming his vitriol at someone else.

saturday november 6

today i began to doubt that i knew what the word "irreverent" meant. i couldn't remember ever using it, but for years i'd had a general idea in my head of its meaning and when to use it. i looked it up on dictionary.com and made a disheartening discovery: not only did i have the meaning wrong, but it's not like the word's etymology had even made it difficult to figure out.


friday november 5

today i went to the food court in my office building to get some lunch at fit for life. after i placed my order, the girl behind me in line ordered a chicken salad wrap. a moment later, she second-guessed her decision, and asked a different woman behind the counter if she could change her order from chicken salad to a chicken shawarma wrap. watching the employee not fully comprehending the request, i could tell that both wraps were destined to be made, and sure enough, 20 seconds later, it began to happen. it was at this point that the girl in line turned to me and asked if i could tell the original employee to stop making the chicken salad wrap. this struck me as an insane request, since the girl was literally standing right beside me and could have got the employees' attention just as easily as i could have -- perhaps even easier. i don't like to yell! this wasn't a job for me! so, instead of helping her, i pretended not to understand what or who she was talking about, making confused faces and saying things like "sorry, who?" the girl ultimately ended up with a fully-made chicken salad wrap, halting the making of the shawarma wrap in progress and resigning herself to the chicken salad. i didn't feel bad about it.


thursday november 4

today i walked behind, alongside, and ahead of a father and his four-year-old (maybe five-year-old) son on my way home from the grocery store. for as long as i was in earshot of the pair, they discussed "lego kids": whether they existed (the father had never seen them, but the kid was sure they must be out there), where to find them, and how small they'd be compared to "normal"-sized lego people.

wednesday november 3

today i got called "the man of many colours" by a co-worker who opined that i always wear bright clothing. i was just wearing a lime green shirt and khakis. i didn't think it was too out there.


tuesday november 2

today i kept a used napkin in my pocket for over five hours because i was unsure where the office garbage cans were and forgot about the napkin whenever i actually passed one.

monday november 1

today i worked my first day at a new office job. the office required a keycard to enter, which i of course didn't have yet. so when i went for lunch, the girl who had been training me wrote down her phone extension so that i could call her to let me in when i returned. the only problem was that she couldn't remember the first number of her extension; she thought it was either 7 or 2. when i got back from lunch, i tried it with a 7, and an unknown woman answered my call. thinking that even though it was a wrong number, this woman could at least come to the door and let me in, i continued talking to her for about 30 seconds before finally realizing that not only did i not know her, but she worked for an entirely different company on an entirely different floor of the building. embarrassed, i apologized and hung up. before i could try the extension again with a 2, the elevator opened and another co-worker arrived back from lunch. i let her bring me in with her keycard.

sunday october 31

today i was about to board the dundas streetcar when i noticed someone lurching toward me and toward the stop. at first glance, i assumed that the figure, with its stringy white hair, was someone dressed up in a scary halloween costume. as she got closer though, i realized that it wasn't a costume -- it was just some booze-soaked homeless lady with terrifying facial hair muttering to herself and pushing past me to board the streetcar.