today i decided to retire one thing i did today for good. i'm sorry, you guys. i thought i'd come back fresh and ready to go after my hiatus, but all the break did was reinforce that i'm just not as interested as i once was in keeping this thing going.
thank you to everyone that read and/or commented over the last five years. if it weren't for you guys, i undoubtedly would've called a day a lot earlier than i did. knowing that people (including plenty who don't even know me!) were consistently reading and enjoying the site was really awesome, and i don't feel good at all about quitting on you here.
BUT know that the fact i'm retiring the blog doesn't mean i'm retiring from the observational humour game in general. you can follow me on twitter at @jlukeadams or (for extremely infrequent sports observations) @Adams_Luke. plus, there's that "random one thing i did today" button on the right sidebar that lets you revisit one of my 1700+ entries at random. so that's some consolation... right? are we cool?
thanks again everyone. stay positive.
today i took an earlier post-holiday bus than usual from london to toronto, arriving back in the city around 1:00 pm. an hour later, i walked out of my house and was met by an overwhelming smell of gas, along with fire trucks and police cars parked in the middle of the street. apparently there'd been a big gas leak two houses down. the fire department apparently got it under control, which was good because let me tell you, i would've been pretty annoyed if i'd come back to toronto early only to be right next door to some sort of explosion.
posted by luke at 12:14 AM
today i was bantering with my parents, describing a big mistake i'd just made. inexplicably, i summed up the conversation by declaring that it had been a "big boner" on my part. there was a long pause before my mom said, "i thought that word meant something else" and i awkwardly explained that i was referring to its "traditional" meaning.
posted by luke at 12:13 AM
today i went to my friend's dad's place to watch the first game of the alcs with the two of them. he lived in an apartment building, one that required me to buzz up to be let in. this process always make me a little anxious. what if i key in the wrong buzzer number? what if the exchange over the little microphone doesn't go smoothly? what if the buzzer number is different than the apartment number? in this case, my anxiety was totally warranted -- when i buzzed up, a voice answered, "[muffled] headquarters." thinking i'd somehow inadvertently buzzed "building headquarters" or the front lobby or something, i stumbled over my name before the door was unlocked. it wasn't until later that i found out it was my friend's dad, having jokingly identified his apartment as "detroit tigers headquarters."
posted by luke at 12:12 AM
today i turned down my coworkers' lunch invitation. five of them were checking out a chinese place down the street, and while i initially declined because i was feeling sick, by the time noon rolled around, i wasn't feeling too bad. at that point, i only continued to decline the invite because i'd become attached the idea of getting a solid 45 minutes of reading done over lunch.
posted by luke at 12:11 AM
today i suffered through a cold at work, popping buckley's cold and sinus pills intermittently and wishing i could've taken a sick day. unfortunately, i used a sick day just a week and a half ago on a morning when i woke up after having only slept for three hours, and didn't want to use another one again so soon.
posted by luke at 12:10 AM
today i had a friend share a story with me about the time she suffered a concussion at a strip club after getting kicked in the head by a stripper. we've known each other for five years and this somehow had never come up before. i have no idea why. it's probably the best thing she's ever told me.
posted by luke at 7:18 PM
today i had a lucille bluth moment ("how much could a banana cost? ten dollars?") when, like a nerd, i went to a bookstore to buy clash of kings. having not actually bought a new book in maybe years, i was pleasantly surprised to see that it only cost $9.99. that's like a cent per page, you guys!
posted by luke at 5:56 PM
today i went to puck 'n wings with a couple coworkers. one of the two only comes out occasionally for lunch, and after the leggy, attractive server took our order, he commented, "whoa, never seen HER here before." i helpfully told him that she only works mondays, then immediately realized that when she'd walked away from our table, she'd only gone about three feet behind me, and was standing there entering our orders into the computer. the only hope i have that she doesn't think a creep is that maybe, way up there, she couldn't hear me. seriously, she's like 7'8". her legs just don't end.
today i was walking home from a friend's house after watching breaking bad. as i walked along the sidewalk, i noticed a big black dog trotting along ahead of me. i was moving faster than he was, so i overtook him within 30 seconds or so, and then watched nervously as he trailed at my heels for about the next 20 feet, before taking off across the street. what are you supposed to do when you see a dog wandering the streets on his own? corral him and go door-to-door in search of his owner? pretend you don't see him? assume he knows what he's doing? ask him "hey where are your parents big guy"? the encounter made me feel anxious and guilty the rest of the way home.
posted by luke at 7:03 PM
today i had a lengthy internal debate about whether or not to go to a friend's birthday bonfire. while a trip to the beer store took me practically across the street from the dufferin grove party, i felt very strongly that i didn't want my clothes and bedroom to smell like smoke for the next three days. eventually, i decided to go, then attempted to avoid the side effects by standing as far away from the fire as i could without seeming weird about it. two hours later, i left very cold and, of course, smelling very much like smoke.
posted by luke at 10:19 AM
today i decided to officially take a break. it was gonna be an uphill battle to catch up on over a month's worth of entries, and i was already feeling guilty about having to flood your rss feeds with vague recollections from weeks ago.
so, after posting one thing i did for 1,705 straight days (more than four and a half years), i'm taking a little time off.
i'll be back and better than ever (actual daily updates!) on october 1st.
so, after posting one thing i did for 1,705 straight days (more than four and a half years), i'm taking a little time off.
i'll be back and better than ever (actual daily updates!) on october 1st.
posted by luke at 9:10 PM
today i received an excited text message from a friend about the fact that the blue jays' eight-run first inning even involved a "bonk." not knowing what the heck this meant, i ignored the text until much, much later, when i found out that it had been a hilarious misspelling of "balk."
today i was walking through the produce section of no frills when i heard a guy on the phone ask someone on the other end of the line exactly how many berries he should buy: "telling me to get you a lot of berries is like telling a banker to give you a lot of cash," he said.
today i was sitting on the subway on my way to work when a guy sat down next to me and started fanning himself with a newspaper. i thought this was a little rude. it was already a perfectly reasonable temperature on the air-conditioned subway, particularly if, like me, you've been on it for a half-hour already. i mean, sure, fine, if you're sitting by yourself, fan away. but the breeze from his makeshift fan was giving me a chill. good thing it only went one for a single stop.
today i was walking home along margueretta when an asian girl stopped me and asked, with some confusion, how to get to 468 margueretta. i could immediately see why she was confused: my section of the street ends at bloor, around 340 margueretta. it then continues north of bloor, but only after you walk a half-block east. i could have easily explained this to someone who spoke fluent english, but, sadly, this girl didn't. still, i did my best, with a lot of pointing and gesturing, and when she eventually thanked me and walked off toward her destination, i was at least 40% sure she'd make it.
posted by luke at 10:00 PM
today i spent a solid 20 minutes at the laundromat watching a show called splat-a-lot!, which is ytv's version of shows like mxc or wipeout. while i felt a little weird watching adult commentators mock a bunch of children as they tumbled and fell (often in slow motion replay), i can't say i wasn't entertained.
posted by luke at 9:57 PM
today i got off the college streetcar at about 2:30 am, on my way home. as i walked along college toward my street (margueretta), i noticed a guy on the opposite side of college, across from the margueretta intersection, getting ready to cross. while this wouldn't be a problem at, say, 6:00 pm, nothing is more uncomfortable than walking alongside the only other person on the street late at night. so i made a concerted effort to speed up, hitting margueretta well before this guy crossed the road, and getting a good lead on him. upon getting home, i'd been in the kitchen for about 30 seconds when my front door opened and someone came in. as it turns out, the guy i'd been working so hard to avoid in the street had been my roommate.
today i went to the blue jays box office to pick up tickets i'd ordered online for next weekend's series against the yankees. i handed over my credit card and photo id, and after a few clicks of the mouse and keyboard, the girl at the window handed me a pen and receipt to sign. upon signing, i had my cards returned and she passed me the tickets. this left me with a handful of stuff to put away at once -- the cards into my wallet and then the tickets and wallet into two different pockets. in my struggle to do all this quickly, i didn't realize right away that i was still holding onto the pen that i'd used to sign. "can i get my pen back please?" she asked tersely, about a second after handing over the tickets. embarrassed, i apologized and passed it back through the window, thinking that her tone was a little unnecessary. i just needed a couple seconds to sort everything out, lady. did you actually think i was gonna walk away with your pen?
posted by luke at 9:41 AM
today i was at work when i overheard a coworker ask someone what time it was. she got her answer, then a few minutes later asked what day it was (wednesday or thursday). if she'd continued to pursue this line of questioning and asked what year it was, i would've pretty certain there was some sort of jennifer-garner-in-13-going-on-30 scenario at work here.
posted by luke at 9:34 AM
today i was picking out some bananas at no frills when i realized a guy off to my right was talking to me. i pulled off my headphones and asked him to repeat himself. he then proceeded to talk for 20 seconds about the trick to finding the "sweetest" bananas (it involves thickness). i thanked him and put my headphones back on, wondering if he shared that knowledge with someone in the fruit section every time he went grocery shopping, or if i just looked particularly indecisive choosing my bananas.
posted by luke at 3:28 PM
today i made a slew of new discoveries about the rogers centre while exploring various websites attempting to determine when and where to pick up will-call tickets. of the new things i learned, my favourite was finding out that there were windows at the jays' box office where you could leave tickets for friends to pick up later. could've used this at least a handful of times over the course of the 50+ games i've attended since the start of last season.
posted by luke at 3:18 PM
today i was working at my desk, minding my own business, when a middle-aged coworker passed by. she stopped outside my cubicle, walked in, put her arm around my shoulder and said "you're such a nice young man." as if this wasn't uncomfortable enough, she hung around for about 30 seconds, repeating at least four times what a nice young man i am, while i nervously laughed and said "thank you" a lot. it was weird.
posted by luke at 1:49 AM
today i was at the st. lawrence market with my roommate, looking for food to bring to an evening barbecue. while i settled on the fairly safe choice of corn on the cob, i decided to encourage him to be a little more adventurous. as we listened to one of the merchants try to sell us on the merits of camel meat, i pointed out that it "could be the hit of the party." we ended up walking away with six camel sliders. to be fair, if it wasn't the hit of the evening's food options, it was at least the most-discussed.
posted by luke at 1:46 AM
today i sat in row 33 in the 500 level at the rogers centre. our seats had an obstructed view and were so high up that occasionally i forgot i was even at the game. it was the first time i'd sat that high since my uncle had taken me to a game in a jays' world series season (either '92 or '93) and we sat in about the same spot. on that day, he joked that if they closed the roof, we'd be left on the outside. it sorta felt that way again.
posted by luke at 1:45 AM
today i was hanging out with a friend at toby's. our bill came to about $23, and we each threw in a $20 bill, intending to get some change. when the server returned to our table, she put down a $10 bill and two toonies, and was fishing around for more change when i stopped her. as she walked away, we left one of the two toonies on our table, bringing the total tip to a pretty generous $5. of course, given that we'd given the tip in two parts - $3ish in the change that she hadn't given us and $2 in what we left on the table - it occurred to me as we walked out that, at that moment, we probably seemed pretty cheap both to her and to anyone who looked at the toonie on our table.
posted by luke at 1:44 AM
today i was sitting outside gate 10 of the rogers centre, waiting for a friend to meet me for the blue jays game, when i noticed another friend walk past. while we'd gone to the game together yesterday, he was with a different group of friends today -- a group i didn't know. as i watched, they settled in about 15 feet from me while they waited for the rest of their group to come and tickets to be picked up. i could've gone over and said hi, or even just called his name from where i was sitting. i was that close. instead, they eventually got everything sorted out and headed into the dome, while i continued to wait for my friend and felt super-creepy about having observed all that without saying anything.
posted by luke at 1:43 AM
today i watched the true blood season four premiere. after the opening "previously on..." sequence reminded me of all the season three ridiculousness, i paused the episode and strongly considered just cutting my losses and giving up on the show right there. i didn't. i hit play. it may have been the wrong call.
posted by luke at 1:39 AM
today i was walking home with a friend when he stopped at the lcbo. although i didn't need to buy anything, i went in with him and glanced around while he grabbed some beers. as i was walking to the checkout, something caught my eye -- tall cans of mill street organic?? having never seen these before, i excitedly grabbed four and took them to the counter. my enthusiasm waned a little when i saw the price, which i barely had enough change to cover. $2.75 per 473ml can?? For a local beer that's 4.2% alcohol? c'mon guys.
posted by luke at 1:35 AM
today i woke up a little on the early side and cracked my bedroom door open so i could hear the living room door. a friend was crashing on the couch in there, and my general rule is that when they open the door, that's when it's cool to go in and hang out. so when the door opened a bit later, i got up and went in to say hi. as it turned out though, she hadn't opened the door -- a cross-breeze coming from the open windows had forced it open. turns out that woke her up anyway though, so win-win!
posted by luke at 1:33 AM
today i went to say goodbye to a coworker who was working her last day in my office. in the few minutes i talked to her, i learned that one of her aspirations after leaving involved starting up her own porn production company. she already had cameramen lined up and everything. i walked away wondering if the conversation was so eye-opening because i'd never really talked to her in-depth before or if that was the sort of thing she only would've shared on her way out.
posted by luke at 1:30 AM
today i endured the third day of my week-long training session on our new software system at work. by this point, i'd realized that, given that the training focused more on other people's roles and less on mine, i could come in nearly an hour late in the morning, leave a half-hour late in the afternoon, take an extra-long lunch, and do very little for the rest of the day. in other words, this week is the best.
posted by luke at 1:25 AM
today i was getting on the subway at finch station after work when my attention was drawn to a shouting match between two passengers who had just gotten off. each guy was yelling at the other to stop pushing -- a lot of "you were the one who was pushing!" calm down, y'all.
posted by luke at 1:22 AM
today i had brunch with my parents, my cousin, and my cousin's family (her husband and their three kids). twice during the course of the meal, my cousin, who lives a few blocks away from me, suggested that they should have me over for a barbecue this summer. she made this same suggestion last summer. and each time she posed the idea today, she made a vague comment about "having to get my number," though she didn't ask for it either time. given how much her children (three boys, ages two, four, and seven) terrified me, i'm perfectly okay with it not happening.
posted by luke at 9:53 PM
today i wore my headphones for nearly the entire greyhound trip from toronto to london. the only times i rode in silence were in between albums or when my ears needed a break for a couple minutes. in these moments, i was bombarded by the incessant and inane conversation of a guy and a girl a couple rows back. even if i'd wanted to ride in silence, or maybe read a book, i couldn't have done it, because i would've just heard their entire dialogue and been driven crazy. as we pulled into the station in london and i took off my headphones for good, i heard the guy say to the girl, "that's what you need to do on the bus! find someone to talk to and it just flies by!" while this may have been the case for them, i doubt my ipod-less bus neighbours felt the same way.
today i had a post-work nap that lasted a little longer than i expected. when i woke up, i heard an unfamiliar voice in the house. a few minutes later, i heard that voice coming a little closer, and realized that my roommate was giving one of his friends a tour of our place. as they passed by my closed door, i heard him say "luke's probably sleeping." while this was, of course, not the case, i'd been too lazy to put on any pants yet, which i didn't exactly want to announce. i made as little noise as possible, feigning sleep, until i heard them go back downstairs.
posted by luke at 9:46 PM
today i went to richmond hill to see a friend's play. i arrived about 15 minutes before the doors of the theatre opened, but didn't have anything else to do, so i hung around the parking lot. with the sun blazing down, i looked for a bit of shade, and walked to the far side of the parking lot, where there was a bit of grass and a few trees. still wearing my work clothes, i decided not to sit down on the grass, meaning i sort of awkwardly leaned against the tree while i waited for the 7:15 doors. as uncomfortable as this was, my discomfort increased even more when someone drove up and parked in the spot right next to me -- again, this was the opposite side of the parking lot, as far as you could get from the theatre. we were pretty much the only two people on the corner, and we were about ten feet apart, both just standing/sitting there. i don't know where i was going with this. it was just weird.
posted by luke at 9:45 PM
today i overheard a co-worker tell the person sitting in the cubicle next to mine that today was her last day and she was heading out. although i didn't even recognize the voice, or know that anyone was quitting today, i was able to deduce who it was by noticing the direction she'd walked in and the fact that she didn't say anything to me. no big loss.
today i went to the ossington for my roommate's birthday. at one point, when there were maybe 20 to 25 people in the bar, i noticed a group of three girls whispering to one another and pointing toward our table. i didn't think much of it, anticipating that, if anything, maybe they'd come over and start talking to us. so it caught me by surprise when, a minute later, one of the girls walked over to the table, jumped up and top of it, and proceeded to dance there for the next 20 seconds before hopping off.
today i went to hurricanes to watch game 6 of the nba finals. although i tried to recruit a handful of friends to join me, none ended up taking me on the offer. so i went in hoping to score a seat at the bar, where sitting by myself wouldn't be as noticeable or as problematic. however, when i walked in, there were no empty seats at the bar. reluctantly, i grabbed a table in the corner that would have comfortably seated two, and uncomfortably seated three. i sat there for the next three hours, as the bar filled up and plenty of groups walked in and out, not seeing any open tables. by the end of the night i was feeling so guilty about commandeering a table on my own that i tipped my server 45% on my bill in an attempt to make up for it.
today i went to a different ali baba's than my usual neighbourhood location to pick up a shawarma. when i made my usual order -- a chicken shawarma with everything except turnips on it -- i was met with resistance. "are you sure?" the guy behind the counter asked, gesturing to the turnip pile. "they're really good!" i laughed and said i'd tried them before and i just wasn't a fan, at which point he picked up a thing of turnip and held it out to me. "here, try it," he said. not seeing a way out of the taste test, i took a bite as he prepared my sandwich. "just not my thing!" i exclaimed, still holding the half-eaten turnip, terrified that he'd overrule me and throw a few in anyway. thankfully, he backed off as i ate the rest of the turnip, not really enjoying it.
today i sat down in the subway after work and noticed that a subway token was sitting on the seat in front of me. as someone with a metropass, the free token didn't appeal much to me, but i was curious to see how the situation would play out. would the person who eventually sat in that seat just pick it up and keep it, or would some passerby who was heading for another seat notice it and pick it up on the way? my curiousity was squashed a moment later, when a guy sat right on the token without realizing it was there. when he got up two stops later, it was gone. i guess it stuck to his pants or something?
posted by luke at 7:27 AM
today i went to the td branch in my office building at lunch to deposit a cheque. the teller was friendlier than usual, making small talk about the london address on my account, as well as my two first names. after making my deposit, i was about to take off when she asked (referring, i guess, to her own performance): "how was the service today?" "good!" i replied, truthfully. "please recommend us!" she called after me as i walked away. this last bit left me a little confused. was i supposed to be recommending td in general, or this branch specifically? did they expect me to go tell my friends "you'll never guess what happened to me today at that bank!" or was this the sort of thing that i was just expected to throw in if i happened to partake in a conversation where, say, another friend complained about his bank. ultimately, i felt like this imposition destroyed all the good will the teller had built up over the course of the transaction.
today i was on the subway when it came to a stop at a station along the yonge line. glancing out the window, i noticed an advertisement on the wall which was partially obscured by the subway car. i'm not sure which company or product was being advertised, but this is how it read, line by line:
if we took
any more care
of you we'd be
this is the partial version i saw, which caused me to do a double-take:
if we took
any more care
of you we'd be
this is the partial version i saw, which caused me to do a double-take:
posted by luke at 10:42 PM
today i was doing laundry when star wars: episode i - the phantom menace came on the laundromat's tv. another guy walked in a few minutes later, watched a scene or two, then asked me if i knew which installment of the star wars series it was. i answered and we exchanged a couple jokes about how bad phantom menace is. then he said: "i've been watching all the old chinese ones lately." i looked at him blankly, thinking he was talking about some sort of chinese version of star wars. "they just ripped off everything from those anyway," he continued, before noticing his clothes had finished drying and ending the conversation. i'm still not entirely sure what he was talking about.
posted by luke at 11:41 PM
today i was hanging out at my place with a few friends. the hockey game had just ended, but it was still early, so we put on some music to fill the silence. since my laptop and speakers were in the room next to where we were hanging out, i threw a bunch of tracks on a playlist to avoid constantly going back and forth between rooms to pick new songs. however, shortly after putting together this playlist, most of the girls took off. the resulting roomful of dudes meant that the playlist needed to be revamped -- i quickly headed back to my room to make the appropriate modifications when the first notes of britney spears' "till the world ends" played.
today i spent my lunch hour participating in a 32-person charity ping pong tournament at work. while it was the first time i'd played in over five years, i still managed to get off to a good start, winning my first two matchups to earn a spot in the 'elite eight.' however, at this point, i ran into a player so good that i didn't even score a single point en route to being eliminated. with dozens of people standing around the table watching the blowout unfold, probably wondering how a fraud like me made it to the third round, i left the tournament feeling too embarrassed to ever show my face on the 15th floor again.
posted by luke at 11:27 PM
today i was getting lunch at mr. sub when i overheard a guy talking on the phone while he held a $10 bill. "it's fake!" he was telling the person on the other end of the call, referring to the $10 bill. "they told me it was fake!" i wasn't sure what was more interesting about this -- the fact that this fake $10 bill (which i glanced it) was convincing enough to make this guy think it was real, the fact that mr. sub paid enough attention to catch it, or the fact that the incident prompted the guy to make a phone call, as if it was the only money he had and he needed someone to come buy him a sandwich.
posted by luke at 11:21 PM
today i debated going to opera bob's to watch the blue jays game, and eventually decided against it, when the team fell behind early and i couldn't recruit any friends to come with me. an hour or two later, i got a text from a friend telling me that twilight's robert pattinson was at the lakeview, approximately 30 feet from opera bob's. opportunity missed!!!
posted by luke at 11:13 PM
today i took the subway to finch station for work. as usual, as i tried to exit the car, the group of people preparing to enter crowded in, ready to push their way on the instant all of us had gotten off. however, today, one middle-aged man couldn't even wait that long, and pushed his way through the door while a handful of us were still waiting to exit. as soon as this happened, a younger guy started yelling at him, hilariously. "what is wrong with you?" he called. "are you a savage? you're a savage!" it was a wonderful way to start the work week.
posted by luke at 11:10 PM
today i went to black dice for a drink and chatted with the bartender as i drank. after finishing, we attempted a high five as part of the goodbye and nearly whiffed entirely on it. "good one!" i said faux-enthusiastically, as we parted ways. although my mockery was aimed at both of us, i had a nagging concern as i walked home that she interpreted it solely as a sarcastic criticism of her high-fiving ability.
posted by luke at 11:05 PM
today i spent the night at home relaxing for the first time in about a week. it allowed me the chance to "catch up on the internet," which i always find immensely rewarding. my favourite discoveries of today were planking, kreayshawn's "gucci gucci," and this gif.
posted by luke at 10:19 PM
today i listened to so many horrible opinions about baseball and the blue jays on the streetcar ride home from the game that i debated starting a blog called "overheard at rogers centre." it would feature a post at the end of each homestand in which i shared and mocked the most ridiculous things i overheard fans say at (or after) games.
posted by luke at 10:12 PM
today i was sitting in my house when i heard two sounds coming from outside. the first was the repeated explosion of fireworks, in honour of victoria day. the second was the jaunty melody of the neighbourhood ice cream truck coming down the street. the juxtaposition of the two noises made it sound as if some sort of bizarre horror movie was being filmed outside.
posted by luke at 9:54 PM
today i stopped by ali baba's on my way home from a barbeque at about 1 am -- late saturday night, early sunday morning. glancing at the specials before i came in, i noticed i was much more interested in the sunday one (discount on two shawarmas) than saturday's (discount on two platters). so before i ordered, i asked if, since it was technically sunday, i could get that discount. the ali baba's employee chuckled heartily and got his co-worker's attention so he could repeat my request. then they both had another chuckle and the first guy turned back to me and was like "no." i didn't think it was that ridiculous a question.
today i was walking down college street with a friend, heading for a barbeque. suddenly, the bottom of his six-pack of beer gave way and an instant later, college was a mess of broken glass and beer. although the beer/money lost and the mess we'd made in such a public location was a real bummer, the most exceptional thing about the incident to me was that only three of the six beers broke when they hit the ground. half of them survived! silver lining.
today i attended the donald glover show at the opera house. having arrived about two minutes before the show got underway, we didn't have time to pick and choose an optimal standing spot, meaning we ended up right by the stairs that people were using to come and go as they pushed through the sold-out crowd. in most cases, this was just annoying, but one crowd-pusher just made me sad -- a guy who looked like he weighed about 300 pounds snaked his way through the mass of bodies toward the bathroom at one point and came back the other way about five minutes later. mumbling "almost there" as he approached us during his return trip, it looked as if he'd sweat about a gallon in the last five minutes. as he pushed his way by us, he said "i'm so sorry" with such anguish that you'd have thought he just ran over our puppies with his car.
posted by luke at 5:27 PM
today i was waiting in line at the bus station when the guy behind me in line asked me if i could watch his bag for a minute. sure, no problem, i said. not that i was about to run down anyone who tried to jack his bags, but that seemed pretty unlikely. he walked away from the line with a friend for a smoke break, and a couple minutes later, a potential problem arose -- the bus was about to start boarding. as the greyhound staff prepared to take tickets, i debated what to do. did i stand there next to his bag as everyone passed me in line? did i just leave it behind? did i drag it up to the front of the line with me and leave it next to the staff so they could watch it? fortunately, just as passengers began to board, the guy returned from smoking and saved me from making a big decision. i still don't know what i would've done.
posted by luke at 1:10 AM
today i had a london friend pick me up a six-pack of mill st. organic, since my bus was getting into town too late to stop at the beer store. upon my arrival, everything seemed to be going smoothly -- i broke the seal on the six-pack, drank the first couple, and then noticed something weird. in addition to my two empties on the counter, there were only three beers left in the box. convinced i misplaced one or my friend had borrowed one, i searched high and low for the sixth beer, but never found it. while eventually i came to realized that the six-pack must really have only been a five-pack, it took a while for me to trust my own eyes and logic more than i blindly trusted mill street not to make such a mistake.
posted by luke at 12:59 AM
today i went out for dinner with a friend and had the same thing to eat as she did. even though i'd decided first that i was going to order that particular entree, i let her order first to make it seem like i was the one copying her. it was the nicest thing i did all day, i think.
posted by luke at 12:53 AM
today i attended the blue jays/red sox game and for much of the game was enjoying the razzing that the few red sox fans in our section were getting. a few comments here and there. some harmless taunting. it was all good. until at one point later in the game, as the sox fans stood up and invited the section to boo them, one idiot from way up above decided it was a good idea to throw a soda at them. rather than hitting the sox fans, it hit an old couple sitting nearby, inspiring the old guy to spring up, turn around, and yell up at the culprit with a vigour that he probably hadn't displayed in months.
posted by luke at 12:43 AM
today i was sitting at my cubicle when i noticed some oohs and ahhs coming from some of my nearby coworkers. surreptitiously glancing around to see what was going on, i was dismayed to see the boss bringing his four-month-old grandchild on an office tour, drawing "awwwws" everywhere he went. knowing i'd be unable to muster much enthusiasm about looking at a baby, i hoped he'd avoid stopping at my cubicle during the tour. when the boss finally came by, he non-chalantly said "hey luke," causing me to look over and see the baby in his arms. pretending i was realizing for the first time that there was a baby in the office, i let loose a "how about that" chuckle as if i'd just heard an interesting piece of trivia. fortunately, he quickly moved on to the next cubicle, sparing me from having to come up with any more to say than that.
posted by luke at 12:28 AM
today i was making the late-night walk home with my roommate, both of us wearing blue jays caps, when the driver of a passing suv opened his window and yelled "BLUE JAYS SUCK!" at us. as he sped off, there was little hope of getting in any sort of retort, meaning the best i could hope for was that he'd get arrested for a dui later in the night.
posted by luke at 12:20 AM
today i attended justin verlander's no-hitter against the blue jays at the rogers centre. the only thing my friends and i spent more time talking about during the game than the no-hitter was the question of who was inside the "junior" mascot costume. while one friend was convinced it had to be a little person, my roommate and i argued that it was entirely possible it was a child with precocious dancing ability.
posted by luke at 10:35 PM
today i was walking through the set of double doors that lead from finch subway station to my office building. the girl in front of me, having already walked through the first set of doors, approached the second set and attempted to pull them open -- they're push-open doors. i guess at some point during the five seconds it takes to walk from the first set of doors to the second, she'd entirely forgotten that she pushed the first time.
posted by luke at 10:32 PM
today i sat across from a girl on the subway on the way to work. from the first moment i looked at her until she eventually got off, she was smiling. not at me. not really at anyone. just a big smile on her face, as if she was replaying some hilarious joke in her head and trying not to laugh out loud at it. it was extremely unnerving. no one ever smiles on the morning subway.
posted by luke at 10:17 PM
today i sat on the subway and watched as a woman called after a guy who was about to get off at eglinton station. apparently he'd forgotten his umbrella on his seat, and her warning allowed him to grab it in time. just before the doors closed, he turned back to her, held up the umbrella and proclaimed "there IS a god!" i get that he was happy about not losing his umbrella and all, but that seems like an odd little incident to view as proof of a higher entity.
today i was told that i'd be sharing my cubicle at work with a "summer student" starting tomorrow. after a computer was set up on the opposite end of my desk for this new employee, i glanced over and noticed that the hard drive, which had been salvaged from the supply closet, had a note taped to its side that read "hd dead." looking forward to seeing how long it takes to find that note or just to confirm its message tomorrow.
posted by luke at 8:32 PM
today i fished my most recent pay stub out of the trash in preparation to prove my identity at the polling station tomorrow. i had sort of slid it down the side when i put it in my garbage can -- and anyway, the grossest things in there were snotty kleenexes, so it was ultimately okay, i think.
today i got a text at about 8:30 or 9 pm from a friend asking what i was doing tonight. i replied that i was just eating takeout and having a beer alone. i expected this reply to elicit some sympathy, or at least an invite to whatever she was doing. instead, she replied "lol" and i didn't hear from her the rest of the night.
posted by luke at 8:21 PM
today i decided to stop at the lcbo on the way to a friend's house, rather than going to the beer store beforehand. though the beer store is a little more geographically convenient for me, i had an lcbo gift card that i hadn't used in the few weeks since receiving it, so i figured it was time to put a chunk in it. i went to the lcbo, bought some beers, went to my friend's house, and didn't realize until hours later that i'd never taken the gift card out of my pocket, paying with cash instead.
posted by luke at 6:00 PM
today i attended a learning session on facial and ocular prosthesis at work. during the session, the lecturers passed around some samples of things they work with -- fake noses, eyes, etc. since i was sitting in the corner of the front row, these items all eventually came back around to me, as the session was winding down. i decided to wait the minute or two until they wrapped up to return the stuff, which left me to hold a fake face in my hands for a little longer than i would've liked.
posted by luke at 5:53 PM
today i got to the office and found that the software we typically use for all of our work wasn't opening properly. curious to see if it was a problem with my computer or the entire network, i popped my head over the cubicle wall to ask the girl sitting next to me if things were working for her. right before i asked, however, i realized that, having just returned from a four-day weekend, we should probably make a little small talk first before jumping right into the nitty-gritty. unfortunately, while my mouth made the necessary adjustment in time and said the right words, my brain hadn't yet processed the necessary shift in tone (from formal to casual). the result was me sounding like i really NEEDED to know how her weekend was, which cast a sort of uncomfortable shadow over the rest of the conversation.
posted by luke at 8:17 PM
today i took the bloor subway home from st. george to lansdowne. not paying much attention to my surroundings, it wasn't until i got up to get off at my stop that i noticed the couple sitting across the aisle from me. on the seat in front of them, they'd placed a bunch of shopping bags and such. one of the bags, though, was just an upside-down, empty popcorn bag -- and as i walked toward the subway door, i noticed it moving. weird, i thought, but probably just a result of the subway rocking back and forth, right? WRONG. glancing back once more before i got off the car, i saw that they'd lifted up the bag, revealing a small, live turtle on the seat. i'd sat across from it for five stops without noticing.
posted by luke at 8:14 PM
today i was sitting on the runt club patio at about 2:30 am, finishing off my last bit of beer. the inside of the bar had gone dark and was presumably on the verge of closing, with last call having happened about 45 minutes earlier. however, this didn't stop a group of three drunk guys from excitedly running up to the patio and taking a seat, clearly under the mistaken impression that the bar was still hoppping and someone would be out to take their order any minute now.
posted by luke at 8:10 PM
today i was walking down richmond row in london with a friend when a guy appeared seemingly from nowhere and asked if he could walk with us. for the next two blocks, he chattered away enthusiastically about his just-finished school year, his last exam (for a "bird" course), and his plans to meet his friends at jim bob's. he was like a big, dumb dog bounding up the sidewalk, in awe of all the people around him to play with.
posted by luke at 7:58 PM
today i was walking up margueretta toward the subway when i thought i heard singing. i looked up toward the intersection and, sure enough, saw a group of people in capes rounding bloor and turning onto my street, singing in unison. after briefly thinking that they were engaged in some sort of protest against the house of lancaster, i realized that this was some sort of good friday ceremony. there were about 60 of them, young and old, walking down the street wearing these capes and singing -- sometimes the front half would do a call and the back half would do a response! it was something to see, even though i still have no idea what the purpose was.
posted by luke at 7:41 PM
today i went to make some toast and found two pieces of bread already in the toaster. considering both my roommates had left for easter weekend no less than eight hours earlier, i was a bit bothered by the presence of this mystery toast. though admittedly not as bothered as i would've been if it were still warm.
posted by luke at 7:39 PM
today i attended the blue jays game and watched as an annoying dude stood at the bottom of our section and attempted to start the wave for a good three or four minutes. even if WERE a supporter of the wave (i'm not) or if he were doing a good job at getting it started (he wasn't), i still would've been somewhat irritated. finally he got so awful that i, of all people, yelled "SIT DOWN!" at him. i hate yelling!
posted by luke at 7:35 PM
today i was walking down college street when my friends and i were stopped by a group of french people asking for a light. my friend provided the light and then made some small talk in french for a minute. at one point i thought the french girl he was talking to gestured in my direction, but all i could do was stand there with a stupid grin on my face and wonder why i took french through grade 12 when i barely understand any of it anymore.
posted by luke at 7:29 PM
today i was on the subway when i noticed a nearby middle-aged woman using her iphone very oddly. her face was literally about an inch from the screen (maybe less), as she pressed buttons. i understand maybe not being able to see that well and getting close up to be sure, but she was so close to it that she may as well have been using her nose on the touch screen. it was fascinating.
posted by luke at 10:16 PM
today i picked up my order of samosas at work. the sellers had come around to my cubicle last week and asked if i wanted to order any, in support of japan relief. being accustomed to the smaller, three-for-a-dollar samosas from dosa mahal, i'd ordered five. this turned out to be a mistake, as i could only eat four of these much bigger ones for lunch before my appetite was shot for most of the rest of the day.
posted by luke at 10:10 PM
today i was at the beer store when a little old asian lady came in to drop off some empties. she presumably does this sort of thing regularly, since i think i'd seen her around the neighbourhood looking through recycling bins. plus, when she left, one of the beer store employees called after her "see ya later, gizmo." wait, gizmo?
posted by luke at 9:39 PM
today i decided to stay in for the night and take it easy, not wanting to stay up too late before my morning work shift tomorrow. the move backfired when i decided to go to bed after the blue jays game, and it ended up lasting 5+ hours and 14 innings, setting me up for about as much sleep as i would've gotten anyway.
today i went to opera bob's to celebrate my birthday with friends. i'd reserved the biggest table in the place, which was ultimately a good decision but made things kind of awkward when i arrived at 8:00. besides me, a group of old folks were the only people in the bar. the bartender told me that they usually take over the table i'd reserved, which made me feel kind of silly for denying them a chance to sit there when they'd probably be in bed by the time i actually needed it.
today i was walking down my street to the subway station when i noticed an unusual trail of red splotches on the sidewalk. the spots showed up every few feet, and were clearly an indicator that something had been dripping slowly but steadily. as i continued to walk, i noticed a cluster of these red splotches located at the entrance of an alley. i dunno, i guess it could have been some leaking juice or something, but i definitely spent a good chunk of my morning commute thinking about the different kinds of bloody injuries that could've caused the stains.
posted by luke at 11:16 PM
today i was given a blue jays cap for my birthday by a friend. i haven't worn a cap regularly since my baseball-playing days (pre-high school), and i was curious to see if i could even pull it off. by the end of the night, however, i was enjoying the experience so much that now i'm somewhat concerned that i'll become one of those "hat guys" that just wears it everywhere.
posted by luke at 11:11 PM
today i had to get another photo taken at work for my security pass (my old one doesn't work anymore). thinking i saw the camera click, i started walking away from my photo prematurely, only to be greeted by the camera's flash a second later. while it wasn't a big deal to re-take the photo, i was slightly embarrassed due to the fact that three women, who could see everything going on, were waiting behind me. sure enough, in my second photo attempt, which ultimately ended up on my security card, my cheeks are bright red, reflecting that embarrassment. i'll probably think about that whenever i look at it for the next six months.
posted by luke at 11:04 PM
today i returned to my government job and spent most of my first day working with application forms for wheeled walkers. in one series of applications, the therapist, rather than writing the usual "unsteady gait" diagnosis, had written "unsteadygate," a spelling error i enjoyed way too much, since it sounds like some sort of small-scale nursing home scandal.
posted by luke at 8:45 PM
today i went to the bathroom at the blue jays home opener, a little over halfway through the game. upon entering, i noticed that a couple of stadium paramedics were examining one of the stalls. a guy's feet were visible below the door -- he was sitting down, but there was a puddle of what looked like puke at his feet. by the time i was finished in the bathroom, the paramedics had opened the stall door and asked the guy if he'd had too much to drink. "nah, i'm good," he replied. i don't think they were convinced.
today i went to a bar with a friend to see if they could show the cardinals/padres game, which had just gone into extra innings. unfortunately, no canadian network was picking up the espn feed, meaning the bar couldn't find it on the dial. a little dejected, we headed out and then followed the events of the 10th inning, pitch by pitch, on my friend's iphone as we walked down the street.
posted by luke at 11:09 AM
today i went to ali baba's to get a couple shawarmas. although i knew wednesdays were the days when there was a discount on two beef shawarmas, i really wasn't feeling like beef today, so i went in hoping that i could apply the deal to chicken shawarmas instead. incredibly, when i came in, they had just run out of beef, meaning they had no choice but to give me a discount on chicken! saving that dollar or two was by far my highlight of the day.
posted by luke at 11:02 AM
today i walked into a nearby bar for the first time and sat down. a minute later, the bartender came over and asked if i wanted a drink. after a brief chat about the beer selection, he looked at me quizzically and asked, "are you from the u.k.?" surprised, i replied, "uh, no," which prompted him to explain, "it sounds like you have a british accent!" we continued talking for a few seconds, which i thought would prove to him that i had no accent after all, but when he walked away, he looked more convinced of my accent than ever, as if i was lying to him when i said i was just "plain old canadian."
posted by luke at 4:49 PM
today i was considering texting a friend to see if she wanted to get a drink when i finished my work shift at midnight. while i was mulling, she tweeted the following: "two cats and hgtv - what else does a gal need on a friday night?" i didn't end up sending a text.
posted by luke at 4:38 PM
today i played a game of nba2k11 in which vince carter crumpled to the ground in pain in the fourth quarter, grabbing his ankle. while jermaine o'neal's inexplicable domination of me in recent weeks had me questioning whether 2k11 is truly the most realistic sports game i'd ever played, seeing virtual carter writhe around on the court reminded me that yes, it absolutely is.
posted by luke at 1:59 AM
today i was heading out the back entrance of the dufferin mall when i stopped to send a text message (it was snowing and i didn't want to use my phone outside). glancing up from my phone, i noticed an unusually large gathering of people in the alley behind the mall, including three security guards and a bunch of high schoolers. curious to see what was going on, i took an extra long time sending my text, then sauntered outside. while nothing particularly exciting took place as i walked by, the indignation with which one kid cried "why are you always hassling us!" to one of the security guards made it worth it.
posted by luke at 12:52 PM
today i had a dream in which i was the size of gulliver when he visits brobdingnag in gulliver's travels. or perhaps more accurately, the size of the kids, post-shrinkage, in honey, i shrunk the kids! while i've long lived in fear of this experience, having been traumatized years ago by the scenes involving giant bees in honey, i shrunk the kids!, i woke up feeling okay about it. of course, in the dream, there were only harmless giants ants; no bees.
posted by luke at 12:50 PM
today i took on my new roommate in a friendly game of nba2k11. with the significant edge in playing experience, i won rather easily, prompting him to demand a rematch. sure, i thought -- might as well play one more before calling it a night. four games later, my winning streak had reached six and i couldn't believe it was already midnight.
posted by luke at 12:48 PM
today i headed out to opera bob's to meet some friends. i intended to give them their tickets for the blue jays' opening day game, but realized about 90 seconds after leaving my house that i'd forgotten to bring the tickets. since i was in no rush, i turned around and headed back home to grab them. during those initial 90 seconds of walking, however, i'd passed a group of about five 10-year-old boys heading in the opposite direction. as i walked back to my house, i was very self-conscious about the fact that i had seemingly randomly done a 180 and started following them.
posted by luke at 5:40 PM
today i helped my roommate pack up her stuff in a moving van. the last thing we loaded was a box of items to be donated, which included a big, cat-themed clock whose ticking had annoyed me for months. "i was hoping we'd just SMASH this!" i exclaimed. before i could react, a friend, thinking the clock was plastic and not realizing i was joking, picked the thing up and hurled it toward the ground, where it landed with a crash. we spent the next five minutes cleaning glass up off the sidewalk. but at least i'll never hear that ticking again.
posted by luke at 10:02 AM
today i approached the food court entrance of the dufferin mall, as i'd done dozens of times before. however, in this instance, a group of intimidating, cool-looking teenagers were hovering around the doors. their presence rattled me for a minute and as i headed for the door, my mind totally blanked on whether it was a push-open or pull-open entrance. i quickly scanned each door for some sort of indication, but there was none. suddenly, i was at the entrance and had to make a guess. i pushed, and of course was met with resistance. i couldn't bear to look at the kids as i angrily pulled the door open and walked into the mall.
posted by luke at 9:15 PM
today i felt, for the first time, like i really nailed the best way to "celebrate" st. patrick's day. while i dislike the holiday and resent all the drunks it brings out, i was happy that it meant the bars opened early, so i could go out and watch march madness games. i ended up having some beers at opera bob's and seeing three terrific endings before calling it a "night" at 7:00 pm. i spent the rest of the evening at home, insulated from all the craziness on the streets. perfect.
posted by luke at 10:59 AM
today i had plans to meet up with a friend for dinner and a michael showalter show at the horseshoe. i also intended to bring her a purse, which my roommate had gotten rid of during her pre-moving day purge. this raised the question: how would i carry the purse downtown? would it look fine if i just shoved it under my arm like it was a thick book or something? should i put it inside a bigger, more masculine bag? should i just go all-out and carry it like an actual purse? ultimately, my internal debate proved moot when i left my house having entirely forgotten to bring the purse.
posted by luke at 12:35 PM
today i did my first offseason in nba2k11 and was surprised to see that one of the offseason events was a "white house visit" where the championship team visited barack obama. it showed a bunch of images of virtual obama shaking hands and taking photos with the team. it was a fascinating thing to see in a video game. i laughed out loud, home by myself, for a good 15 seconds.
posted by luke at 12:30 PM
today i was in line at subway behind a guy talking on his phone. when he was asked whether he wanted his sandwich toasted, it didn't seem like he replied, though the subway guy put it in the toaster, so maybe there was a barely perceptible nod. they also had to ask him three times what else he wanted on the sandwich before he noticed (he didn't want anything else on it). then, about 15 seconds after he had paid and left, he came running back to the counter, all "i forgot to get a drink!" that guy was the worst.
posted by luke at 12:16 PM
today i made my way to my front door just once, in order to pick up a dinner order i'd placed. while i held the door open for the delivery guy, i glanced outside and noticed, with some disgust, that there were five bags of garbage on our front porch -- most of them unable to fit in the garbage bin itself. since most garbage days involve our house putting one or, at most, two bags to the curb, the excess this week was baffling. it was as if someone else in our house had been piling up their trash for most of the winter and finally decided to put it all out at the same time.
posted by luke at 12:32 AM
today i was given free reign of the remote control at opera bob's. while my decision the first time around was easy enough, since i wanted to watch the raptors, things got trickier when that game ended. the bar had filled up a little more at that point, so i didn't want to take too much time browsing through the guide to choose something. but after over a minute of searching, i'd yet to find anything interesting amidst a slew of uninspiring options like ohl, wwe, ufc, and curling. finally, shortly after breaking into a sweat, i stumbled across a college basketball game (sec tournament quarterfinals) that seemed okay. i settled there, relieved that i hadn't totally panicked.
posted by luke at 1:53 PM
today i went to td canada trust to set up a u.s. account. during the process, i made some small talk about (of course) the weather with the guy who was helping me create the account. he started talking about how he's eager to get "riding" again, and how he's been able to do it every now and then over the last couple months, despite the weather. "the 12-month insurance is worth it!" he declared. i assume he was talking about bicycle riding, in which case i was surprised to discover that bicycle insurance is even a thing. but i guess if anyone would have it (and randomly plug it), it would be a banker.
posted by luke at 11:39 AM
today i spent nearly ten minutes searching for my box of mailing envelopes. while it would be easy enough to buy another envelope for the mail i needed to send, it was the principle of the thing that kept me looking. i'd bought this box of 50 when i needed to do a previous mailing, and had only ever used about three of them. what a waste of 47ish envelopes it would be if i just never found the box! but, despite my lack of storage space, it was nowhere to be found. when i mentioned my failure to track down the envelopes to my roommate later in the day, she suggested looking in one of our kitchen drawers, underneath the cutlery tray. sure enough, there they were. i'm glad i said something because otherwise i definitely wouldn't have found them until i moved out, at which point i would've kicked myself for buying that lone envelope back in march.
posted by luke at 11:34 AM
today i was grocery shopping in no frills when i did a double-take noticing a woman walking in front of me in the frozen foods aisle. not because she was a stunner, but because at first glance, she appeared to be at least 6'6". fascinated, i slowly trailed behind her, attempting to discern (a) whether she was, in fact, a woman, and (b) exactly how tall she was. before the end of the aisle, i slid past her to see how my height compared to hers -- my eye-level was below her shoulders! it was incredible!
posted by luke at 9:10 AM
today i was asked by my roommate whether i thought she spends too much time cooking in the kitchen. the fact that she thought i was an authority on appropriate time spent in the kitchen seemed particularly absurd at that moment, since i was in the middle of microwaving three hot dogs, using wonderbread as "buns."
posted by luke at 1:37 PM
today i made plans to go to a friend's house to watch the raptors play the nets in london, england. when i arrived, however, she was having trouble with her cable, resulting in a choppy, inconsistent picture. after we fiddled with it a little, somehow losing the signal altogether, we gave up and just hung out for a while. later in the night, i checked the score out of curiosity and discovered that the game had gone to triple overtime and the final score was 137-136. i hate you, rogers sportsnet one.
posted by luke at 3:11 PM
today i bought myself a medium pepperoni pizza and creamy garlic dipping sauce at pizza pizza. when my pizza was ready, i threw the dipping sauce and napkins in my bag and carried the bag and box home. upon arriving home, i quickly worked through the entire pizza, forgetting to check my bag until the end of the meal (i needed a napkin). of course, at this point, i saw the creamy garlic dipping sauce i'd totally forgotten to use, and immediately got concerned. i don't want it to go to waste -- will i have to buy MORE pizza this weekend to make sure i get my money's worth? having just put away eight slices, this was a question i wasn't prepared to contemplate.
posted by luke at 2:41 PM
today i stopped at eb games on the way home from work, hoping they had a copy of raw vs. smackdown 2011 in stock. i'd really been craving a wrestling game for my ps3, and the last two times i'd stopped in at eb, they'd been sold out. this time, however, there was a copy on the shelf! excitedly, i brought it up to the counter, and the guy working there took the empty box and started looking for the real copy of the game, which they kept behind a locked door. two minutes later, he was still looking. after muttering things like "where is it?" and looking in spots that clearly were meant for storing wii games, he turned back to me and said "i don't know what to tell you!" hey, how about you tell me why you had a copy of the game on the shelf if you didn't have one in stock? or when you're getting more? or where else i can find it? FEEL LIKE SHARING ANY OF THAT WITH ME?!
posted by luke at 2:35 PM
today i hung out with a girl and listened to her tell a few stories about embarrassing things that had happened on previous first dates. mere minutes later, i watched as she got up to go the bathroom (without knowing where it was), walked right past it, and nearly entered the kitchen instead.
posted by luke at 2:32 PM
today i linked a friend to earl sweatshirt's video for "earl." accompanying the link was the following quip: "this is basically what skins would be like if it were 10x darker." it wasn't until after the fact that it occurred to me "10x darker" was probably a questionable choice of words when discussing a group of 10 black kids.
posted by luke at 2:30 PM
today i was walking down my street when a guy walking toward me let out a burp and said "excuse me." he was still about 20 or 30 feet away from me, and was walking alone, which made the "excuse me" a little surprising. was he doing it out of instinct? or for my benefit? i initially thought it'd be weird if it was for my benefit, but then i realized it would've also been odd if he just let out a giant burp, audible from 20+ feet away, and didn't acknowledge it.
posted by luke at 12:32 PM
today i bought a shawarma at ali baba's and was intending to leave some change as a tip -- i don't feel like it's the kind of place where you're obligated to tip, but i like to do it every now and then. however, after paying, i realized i'd been short-changed, complicating the situation a little. unlike when the same thing happened last summer at phil's bbq, the decision in this case was simple: pocket the change i had been given and pretend the missing change was my tip. also, it made me feel good and not guilty about failing to tip in the future. after all, why should i feel compelled to reward that sort of incompetence!
posted by luke at 12:29 PM
today i accidentally dropped my pen at work and got a streak of green ink on my khakis. after a minute or so of trying to scrub it off using water from my water bottle, i gave up and went to the bathroom. using a couple paper towels and sink-water, i managed to eliminate the mark pretty well, but was left with a sizable splotch of water right by my crotch. i was happy not to pass anyone in the hall on the walk back to my desk.
posted by luke at 12:28 PM
today i woke up still sick, with a cold i'd acquired over the long weekend. with some unused sick days at work, i decided to take one. dialing the number of my supervisor, i reminded myself, as always, to be sure to actually sound sick when i left her a message. when i started talking, however, my voice sounded so genuinely awful that i had to reverse my efforts and add a little inflection to my speech, lest she assume i'm on my deathbed.
posted by luke at 12:25 PM
today i called roma to order some food. when they picked up, i asked if i could place an order for delivery, and the guy on the other end said, "sure, do you mind if i put you on hold for a few minutes?" i said that was fine, and he put me on hold. seconds later, it occurred to me what an odd thing that was. i've only ever had people ask to put me on hold for "a sec" or "a minute." a few minutes? why did i agree to this? these were the things going through my mind as i waited about two and a half minutes for him to come back on the line.
posted by luke at 8:07 AM
today i was hanging out with a friend when her roommate asked her how to spell "tragedy." i thought this was an unusual question for two reasons. for one, it doesn't seem like that tricky a word to spell, unless you get the urge to throw a "j" in there or something. plus, he had his laptop in front of him at the time. wouldn't it have been easier to use spellcheck, or even just google it, rather than interrupting our viewing of friday night lights? if it were me in his spot, that's what i would've done -- particularly because you never know if your roommate's friend will be a judgmental jerk who's thinking things like "you can't spell tragedy without g-e-d," even if he'd never say them out loud.
posted by luke at 7:57 AM
today i went to rexall to buy some bandages, in preparation for attending a wes anderson themed party tomorrow (i'm dressing up as owen wilson's character from the darjeeling limited). as i threw a bunch of elastic and plastic bandages on the counter, i imagined what the cashier might think about the purchase. it's not like i had any noticeable ailments. did she think i was just being really prepared for any injury i might sustain in the future? or maybe that i was expecting to get beat up sometime soon?
posted by luke at 10:35 AM
today i was heading home on the subway, sitting in the last seat in a row of three. the middle seat beside me was open. at the st. george station, a slew of people poured onto the car, and i saw an old lady eyeing the seat. incredibly, before she could sit down, a guy in his mid-20s surged forward and sat beside me. as i looked on, the old lady unleashed a wonderfully judgmental frown on the guy, which he noticed as soon as he got settled. he immediately moved to stand up and give her the seat, but she coldly brushed him off and found a seat further down the subway. it was amazing. i wouldn't be surprised if she continued to mad dog him for the rest of the ride. broad was ice cold.
posted by luke at 10:23 AM
today i went to e-mail my grandma for a valentine's day card she'd sent me. however, upon trying to determine her e-mail address, i realized that the only address book i'd had it saved in was in my hotmail account. an account i'd deleted about a month earlier. oops. looks like you're getting a phone call instead, grandma!
posted by luke at 10:01 AM
today i went to the library to pick up a book recommended by a friend, which i'd blindly placed a hold on. to my surprise, the book is a massive hardcover beast that runs 850 pages. when i carry it around in a bag, the bag lands with a thud whenever i put it down. i need two hands to read the book, which makes reading while standing on the subway something of a challenge.
posted by luke at 9:56 AM
today i had to squeeze past a girl filling up a washing machine at the laundromat, in order to transfer my clothes from washer to dryer. there seemed to be enough room for me to slip by without making any contact or saying "excuse me," so i figured i'd be okay. however, as i was passing her, the cord of my headphones caught on the coin tray of one of the washing machines, causing me to jerk back a little and bump her butt with mine. to make matters worse, since i had headphones on, i had no idea how loud i said "sorry" or if she even said anything at all.
today i stayed inside all day, alternating between playing playstation 3 and catching up on tv shows. the most productive moment of my day came in the evening, when a friend drunkenly called me to see if i knew the phone number of a nearby italian restaurant that delivers until 4:00 am. i did.
today i was at work when one of my female co-workers came into my cubicle and asked if she could "borrow" me for a minute. baffled and intrigued about what she could want me for, i followed her to the mail room, where she needed my help lifting a heavy box to a high shelf. the fact that she came to me for this wholly physical task, rather than to any of my arguably more qualified male co-workers, pretty much made my day.
posted by luke at 9:35 PM
today i decided to read through alan sepinwall's recap of some of the most memorable moments in friday night lights during my morning break at work. while reading sepinwall's retelling of one particularly emotional scene, i found myself getting a little choked up. this also happened to be the moment that a co-worker walked into my cubicle to drop some forms off for me. i don't think she noticed my emotional state.
posted by luke at 9:33 PM
today i saw an advertisement in the subway for a play called ruined. studying the ad, i initially found it curious that the line crediting the writer - "by lynn nottage" - sat on the line ABOVE the play's title. it seemed like a backwards way of doing things. i quickly realized, however, that it probably made more sense that way than it did for the poster to boast: "ruined by lynn nottage!" as if her contributions had really made a mess of things.
today i went to the radio dept show at lee's palace with a friend. shortly after the band's set had started, my friend turned to me and said "i'm gonna be that asshole that asks you to hold my hair while i go the bathroom." shocked not only by the fact that apparently she was sick, but also by the casual way she asked me to help her vomit, the look on my face was one of panic. after all, while i like her and all, that's the sort of thing you only ask best friends you've known for 10+ years! of course, a second later, as she passed her drink toward me, i realized i'd misheard -- she hadn't said "hold my hair." she'd said "hold my beer."
posted by luke at 9:13 PM
today i was watching the super bowl broadcast with a friend when christina aguilera's rendition of the national anthem came on. sitting through it, neither of us noticed that she'd flubbed the words at all. i'm not sure if this was because we're not american and don't have the lyrics ingrained in our heads, or if it was because we're not american and don't care about the anthem. probably some combination of the two.
posted by luke at 9:09 PM
today i was invited to three separate birthday parties. rather than choosing just one, or somehow trying to make all three, i decided to stay home for the night. although i thought of this decision as a neutral one, intending to not show any favouritism, it occurred to me as i sat at home that it was probably an even bigger slap-in-the-face than choosing one of the three parties would've been. not only was i blowing off three birthdays rather than two, but now i didn't even have a reason.
posted by luke at 9:07 PM
today i was on the subway when i noticed an old man sitting near me reaching his cane out toward the middle of the car. thinking that he was blind, i watched to make sure that he was able to safely figure out where he was going. as it turns out, however, he wasn't blind at all -- there was a dime sitting in the middle of the subway and he was using his cane to pin it to the floor and drag it toward him.
posted by luke at 2:20 PM
today i shampooed my hair for the first time since my last bottle ran out on saturday. for a couple showers before today's, i'd used conditioner, just because i felt like i needed to put something in my hair. i don't even really know what conditioner does.
posted by luke at 2:16 PM
today i overheard a co-worker talking on the phone about his weekend plans. i wasn't trying to eavesdrop really, but he was talking at a decent volume, which made it even more surprising when he said: "it's about the size of a [inaudible]. that's why they call it an eight ball." somewhat shocked at the implication of this discussion, i immediately went to urban dictionary to see if there were any slangy meanings for "eight ball" besides the ones i knew. perhaps he was referring to definition #7 or perhaps he was just having a general dialogue about cocaine without planning on buying any. but still, it'll be hard not to think of him in an entirely new light from now on.
posted by luke at 2:08 PM
today i went to the beer store twice, in the span of less than three hours. each time, i was wearing the some clothes, and bought the exact same thing (four tall cans of tiger) from the same employee. each time, he asked me if i had any identification. disheartening.
posted by luke at 2:02 PM
today i went to the laundromat fully prepared for the machines. that is to say, i had an appropriate amount of change for both the washer and dryer. however, upon arriving, i ran into a problem. one of the double-load washing machines i was using required two loonies, so i'd been relying on the change machine to make change for my lone toonie. but every time i dropped the coin into the machine, it spit it back out without making change. after three or four failed attempts, i started to get worried -- the rest of my change consisted of useless dimes and nickels, some quarters, and just a lone loonie. i was a loonie short! there was no one else in the laundromat to ask for change, so finally i resigned myself to sliding one of my $20 bills into the machine. 15 loonies and 20 quarters came tumbling out, a few hitting the floor as i tried to corral them all. it made me feel as if i'd just made a huge score at a vegas slot machine, but about 100 times less excited.
posted by luke at 12:03 AM
today i tried to explain to my roommate why i didn't want to return a recently purchased ethernet cable to the source. ultimately, my reasoning boiled down to the fact that the embarrassment i'd feel when i had to admit i'd mistakenly bought something i didn't need wasn't worth the $15 i'd be getting back.
posted by luke at 11:54 PM
today i was on the subway when i noticed that an advertisement for the second city production something wicked awesome this way comes featured the following complimentary quote from eye weekly: "awesome is awsome!" this marked the second friday in a row that i'd noticed a pretty glaring typo in an advertisement. does no one proof-read these things?
posted by luke at 11:22 PM
today i was browsing okcupid when i noticed a familiar profile photo. i clicked through and found that, sure enough, the two photos in the profile were of a friend. reading the rest of the page, however, i was confused to see a handful of inconsistent details: her age was off by a few years, the job description didn't match, and the writing style was entirely different -- the profile was a fake! after being informed of the photo-stealer, my friend reported the profile, but i thought it would have been more fun to exchange messages with the impostor, without revealing that i knew anything. kind of like dexter becoming friends with john lithgow's character in season 4 of dexter (spoiler alert).
posted by luke at 10:09 PM
today i thought i was about to witness my first instance of drama in the workplace, when one co-worker called out on another on the volume of their radio. no one else in our office uses a radio, but apparently this woman "doesn't use headphones." nothing came of the discussion, but i could tell both sides were getting a little testy about it.
posted by luke at 10:01 PM
today i stopped in at eb games on my way home from work, intending to inquire about playstation 3 promotions or bundles. although i'd resolved to buy a ps3 at some point this week, i wanted to shop around a little first to get an idea of where i could score the best deal. however, when the eb employee told me that he could offer me the last console on the shelf, along with two games, for $250 (i'd expected to pay $300 for the ps3 alone), i rethought this plan. five minutes later i was walking out of the duff with the giant playstation box under my arm.
posted by luke at 9:58 PM
today i was told by a commenter in one of my posts for mlb trade rumors to stop using the word "opine" so much. although i'd only used it twice (in separate posts!) during my shift, i can see how that would be one too many for such a unique word. i'll keep myself in check going forward, guy.
posted by luke at 9:48 PM
today i was lying in bed at approximately 3:00 am when it occurred to me that, if my name was timothy, a good title for my autobiography would be a story as old as tim. as i always do when i have an idea like this, i googled the phrase to see how many other people had thought of it. to my shock, the search brought up ZERO results, making this perhaps my first entirely original thought.
posted by luke at 9:40 PM
today i absentmindedly watched the tv behind the counter of pizza pizza as it played advertisements for the restaurant. when an ad plugging pizza pizza's 'cheesy bread' popped up, i was surprised to see the following line: "cheesy bread compliments chicken, pizza, and pasta." either this was a pretty glaring typo being broadcast at pizza pizza locations across the country, or their cheesy bread is just really kind to its fellow foods.
today i traded a tall can of lowenbrau beer to a friend in exchange for a pabst blue ribbon. i was happy to make the swap, considering my lowenbrau had been in the fridge while the pbr hadn't, i still couldn't help but think "damn, there's a quarter i'll never get back."
today i headed to my supervisor's desk to drop off a form. not wanting to interrupt her work, i decided to leave it in the drop-box hanging outside of her cubicle wall. however, when i arrived at her cubicle, i was unsure for a couple seconds whether i was using the right drop-box. while i stood there trying to figure it out, i was in plain view of my supervisor, who noticed me lurking and slowly turned to look at me. by this point i'd decided that i was using the proper box and dropped off the form, so when she looked at me, all she saw was me walking away, empty-handed. for the next ten minutes, all i could think about was how weird i must have looked from her perspective, as if i'd just stood there staring at her for a few seconds before silently walking off.
today i rode a crowded queen streetcar while a black guy standing a few feet away from me sporadically delivered angry, bewildering freestyle rhymes. his primary focus seemed to be slavery ("my stance? fuck slavery!" he declared at one point), leading to a turn of phrase in which he vowed the "white slavemaster" could never burn him, because he was already "at the center of the earth."
posted by luke at 12:42 PM
today i had a dream in which espn.com fantasy football analysts matthew berry and christopher harris debated the merits of my blog. the format was not unusual -- they've produced online videos in the past in which they debate the merits of a football player, or the relative merits of two players. however, the sad part of the dream was that it was harris, the analyst i typically trust more, who was arguing against my blog's appeal.
posted by luke at 12:40 PM
today i received five consecutive text messages from the automated number that sends you, via text, the streetcar schedule for any given ttc stop. unfortunately, the string of messages i received arrived at approximately 5:00pm -- considering they were in response to inquiries i'd originally sent anywhere from two hours to two days ago, their window of relevance had long since closed. thanks a lot, ttc.
posted by luke at 12:38 PM
today i went to toby's, intending to have a low-key night watching hockey and football with a friend. instead of "low-key," my night began when i walked in on an in-progress rap battle and ended after having an hour-and-a-half conversation with a 44-year-old italian woman named francesca who only dated "younger men."
posted by luke at 10:50 PM
today i was going to the bathroom at a bar when i was stopped by a guy who was on the way to the bathroom himself. "what do you think of her?" he asked me, gesturing at the girl he was with, who was now walking ahead of him. looking to find a tone that was both congratulatory and non-threatening, i replied, "yeah, pretty good, dude." without really acknowledging my response, he asked if he could tell me a joke. i said okay, and he posed the following question: "what's the best sexual position to avoid getting pregnant?" when i said i didn't know, he happily replied, "ask your mom!" although i didn't really get it, i faked a hearty laugh and he looked really pleased with himself when he advised me to tell the joke to my friends.
posted by luke at 6:08 PM
today i was sitting in the cubicle of a co-worker named alvin. because his nameplate was on the cubicle entrance, this resulted in another co-worker, who i've spoken to multiple times before, casually calling me "alvin." i don't think i look like an alvin.
posted by luke at 6:02 PM
today i discussed dishwashing with my roommate. when the conversation turned to how few dishes i use, i declared: "here's my philosophy when it comes to dishes: one to make the food, one to eat it!" utensils excluded, of course. while i'd never voiced or even really thought about the philosophy before this moment, i rather enjoyed it.
today i took on a new role at my ministry of health position. the work involves either accepting or rejecting applicants' claims for government funding. for the ones i don't accept, i have to print and send a letter that explains why the claim is being rejected and what can be done to fix it. to my surprise, when i printed off the first of these letters, i noticed that the name at the bottom of the page read "adam lucas." apparently the supervisor that had entered my information into the computer system was under the mistaken impression that "adam lucas" (rather than "luke adams") was my name. still, i sort of liked it, and decided not to say anything about the error, instead thinking for the rest of the day of adam lucas as a sort of batman to my bruce wayne.
posted by luke at 9:52 PM
today i showed up 15 minutes late to work . it was the first time i'd been late without having any real reason for being so, but i figured it wouldn't really matter. this proved to be a misguided assumption -- upon my arrival, i saw that i had five e-mails in my inbox (i typically have anywhere from zero to one), the last of which opened with "when you get in this morning..."
posted by luke at 9:50 PM
today i was watching canada play in the world juniors championship at disgraceland. between the second and third periods, with canada leading 3-0, a few of my friends expressed sentiments like "hope russia gets a goal or two to make things a little interesting!" such statements triggered alarm bells in my head, since no good ever comes from rooting against your team in the interest of "making things interesting." still, i didn't want to be a buzzkill, so i didn't say anything. you probably know the rest.
posted by luke at 9:49 PM
today i met with our landlord's son to discuss their desire to increase our rent. throughout the conversation, my roommates did all the talking, while i stood in the middle and remained silent. however, rather than thinking of myself as a passive participant in the discussion, i pretended that i was the "brawn," my role simply requiring that i look menacing, which i think i did passably.
today i went to fresh for lunch with my roommate. during our appetizers, i put my napkin in my lap, as i occasionally do, but felt self-conscious and uncomfortable about it; i decided to just keep it on the table instead during the meal itself. while eating my burger, i ended up spilling as much on my lap as i ever have in one meal, ultimately leaving with three separate food stains on the crotch or upper leg of my jeans.
today i ordered a chicago gyro dinner at fit for life. i had briefly considered choosing something else because i wasn't entirely sure how to pronounce gyro -- it seemed that pronouncing as if it was the european currency wasn't quite right, but i wasn't sure what was right. finally, i just went for it, americanizing it as much as i could, so it sounded sort of like "eye roll." jye-roh. the fact that the woman behind the counter repeated it back to me with the same pronunciation was reassuring.
posted by luke at 9:24 PM