saturday december 30

today i listened to my two grandfathers concur that in-person banking beats online banking any day because of 'pretty blond' tellers.

friday december 29

today i was jabbed with a fork while attempting to set up a new stereo system in our family room.

thursday december 28

today i watched a youtube video of my brother ghostriding a honda acura.

wednesday december 27

today i sent (and received) my first ever text message via cellular telephone, and also created a myspace page. look out technology, i am on the loose!!

tuesday december 26

today i played for the winning team in a hyper-competitive family scavenger hunt which culminated in everyone loudly arguing over whether 'universal cement' counted as something that begins the letter u (or merely c for cement).

monday december 25

today i watched the cowboys/eagles football game with my brother and grandfather. while i was mostly focused on the game, the two of them made small talk about the various players named adams in the nfl. my grandfather noted that all of them were black and weren't from his family!! he continued: "like my grandfather used to say, another nigger in the woodpile." it was awkward.

sunday december 24

today i celebrated christmas eve with my family by playing a few games of euchre and then going to a late-night church service, honouring the time-tested holiday tradition of gambling and jesus.

saturday december 23

today i walked aimlessly through a deathly silent downtown london at 5:30 am carrying the buffy the vampire slayer (season 7) box set.

friday december 22

today i attended a party that my eleventh grade history teacher also attended.

thursday december 21

today i was hit on by a dude that looked like kevin barnes from of montreal.

wednesday december 20

today i dreamt that i was on a little league baseball team. i was approximately twice as old as the other kids on the team, who were arguably a more appropriate age for little league baseball (10-11ish). despite being at this obvious advantage though, when it came time, during our practice, to run sprints from baseline to baseline, i struggled to keep up with my teammates. whenever we came to each baseline and had to come to a sharp stop and reverse direction, my feet would slip and prevent me from making quick cuts, while their little legs never seemed to slow down! i ended up being the last one on the field completing the sprints, extremely frustrated and unrelentingly embarrassed.

tuesday december 19

today i noticed that one of the bills in my wallet had a streak of blood on it. my blood. this is a less sinister story than it sounds; it involves a finger pinched in one of those heavy downtown garbage bins and then my buying a beer in between paper-towel-bandaid changes. just one of those things, you know. anyway, so my blood is on this money. pretty much uncleanable. and it's not like you can throw it out. it can never be considered garbage. you could try to throw it in the trash and someone would be like 'hey guys, found some money mixed in with the garbage!' impossible. i guess you could burn it or something, but that's a bit extreme. point is: that bill will get traded around, passed from hand to hand, and will always have my blood on it.

so like, i hope i don't have aids or something, or they might name an epidemic after me.

monday december 18

today i arrived at talbot college at 8:10, 50 minutes before my exam started, to get in some last-minute studying. although i was one of only three people sitting in the entire hallway upon arriving, i was mostly distracted from my studies by the other two guys loudly discussing clown (and midget) porn.

sunday december 17

today i conquered madden nfl '07 (won the super bowl on all-madden difficulty!!). appropriately, having achieved the pinnacle of its existence, my nintendo gamecube console stopped working forever, an hour later. r.i.p.

saturday december 16

today i happened upon, with my tongue, a small bump on the roof of my mouth. it has never been there before. i can only assume it's cancerous, so i probably only have a few short months to live. goodbye, world.

friday december 15

today i coined the term 'roboner' to describe the sexual arousal of the emotionless (robots!!). while googling the term to see just how many people had beaten me to it, i stumbled across a youtube video that, while indeed portraying some sort of robot, seems to represent the absolute antithesis of sexual excitement.

thursday december 14

today i brainstormed with cali for approximately 15 minutes about what she could paint her mother for christmas. after my best suggestion was deemed seasonally inappropriate, virtually every one of our subsequent ideas revolved around a variation of the classic, time-tested theme of: animals falling into puddles.

wednesday december 13

today i stopped briefly by a local x-ray clinic to get some pics of my back taken. when i arrived, there was only one other person in the waiting room, an elderly dutch woman. i sat down and she asked if i wanted a magazine to read (she was hogging the pile); i politely declined. a moment later, she put her own magazine down and began talking to me. during the few moments that i waited for the x-rayers to call my name, she told detailed stories about the following subjects: her emigratory boat trip from holland to canada, the percentage of people that got seasick on transport ships, her honeymoon, the emigration of another dutch family of 11, her first job in canada, her husband's first job in canada, her husband's brother's first job in canada, and where she was going for dinner tonight.

tuesday december 12

today i found out that two of my favourite bars in the world (this admittedly may be a result of lack of bar exposure) have recently introduced new tuesday club nights. holla.

monday december 11

today i dreamt that i inadvertantly changed my computer's desktop background to a photograph of a woman sitting down to dinner with only a giant piece of meat in the shape of a human hand and forearm (sort of like an oven mitt) on her plate.

sunday december 10

today i received an e-mail with the subject: 'yo sir, your woody is really small.' sir. respectful. it went on to read: 'i don't care why your thing is so small, but 82% of women do. they are pretty sure that bigger prick will make their desire stronger.' this raises many questions, including the following:

1. are 82% of women really interested in knowing why my thing is so small?
2. if they are, why aren't the rest? do they not have naturally inquisitive minds? or just gay?
3. 'pretty sure' doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement. what happens if i..... make some changes, and it turns out their desire isn't any stronger at all?!?
4. in hindsight: is 'sir' truly respectful when paired with 'yo' and followed by an unabashed critique of my woody?

saturday december 9

today i unsuccessfully attempted to will a box of kleenex onto a nearby desk using only the powers of my mind, when the girl sitting behind me during an exam sniffled loudly approximately once every three seconds for quite some time.

friday december 8

today i spent a half-hour at 4:00 am watching youtube videos of random people dancing to webstar's and young b's "chicken noodle soup."

later, i practiced the dance myself and discovered that not only were my feet too slow for the 'chicken noodle soup' part, but even my 'let it rain, clear it out' motions were fairly lacking.

thursday december 7

today i drove across the city to school at 7:00 am amidst some sort of apocalyptic nuclear winter not unlike the world in that one sigur ros video (except mine had more snow, fewer children in gas masks, and was scored by justin timberlake). as such, the crosstown trip to hand in a couple essays was quite harrowing. at one point on my drive home, my wheels locked up while i was in the midst of a bend in the road. i frantically pumped the brake to no avail, and drifted into the path of an oncoming car in the opposite lane. luckily, the driver of the car noticed my struggles in time and swerved onto the shoulder to avoid a head-on collision! sweet moves, random woman!!

wednesday december 6

today i dreamt that i had killed 890 people in the last year alone, and was named 'killer of the year' in one publication's best of 2006 wrap-up.

tuesday december 5

today i woke up and heard various voices coming from outside my bedroom. i looked at my clock and it said 5:19. my brain immediately began running through possibilities for my household being awake and talking at 5:19. contagious insomnia? some sort of family emergency maybe? late-night thieving incident? after a few seconds of this hypothesizing, i came to realize that it was in fact 5:19 pm, not am. this explained a lot (namely: people being awake).

monday december 4

today i listened to one of lcd soundsystem's new songs, "north american scum," on repeat for a while. the constant use of the word scum in the song reminded me of an incident that took place when i was approximately 7 years old. while on a family walk, i jokingly referred to my dad as "scum" and was admonished for it by my mom. for years, i was annoyed by the irony that the only reason i knew the word in the first place was because i'd read it in a book that she recommended for me.

sunday december 3

today i was driving home from work on commissioners road when i came to a red light. while sitting at the light, i noticed that the minivan in front of me had some pokemon movies playing on the video screen in the vehicle. i became so fascinated by the pokemons that after the light turned green, it took me a half-block to realize that i was tailgating.

saturday december 2

today i was listening to the new young jeezy album when my dad came into the room and told me that my great aunt had died. i was out of reach of the volume control, so this news was immediately followed by jeezy loudly rapping: "now i command you niggas to get money!"

friday december 1

today i was sleeping on a couch in a friend's house when i heard a woman's voice shout: "mel?!" it sounded rather close but i assumed she was outside. after all, there were no mels in this house. a few seconds later, the source of the voice, a middle-aged woman i didn't recognize, appeared at the end of my couch. i groggily said hi, and she apologized for waking me up, saying that she'd just been looking for something. then she left. i thought little of it at the time and fell asleep again quickly, but in retrospect: wtf?