sunday january 30

today i tried to explain to my roommate why i didn't want to return a recently purchased ethernet cable to the source. ultimately, my reasoning boiled down to the fact that the embarrassment i'd feel when i had to admit i'd mistakenly bought something i didn't need wasn't worth the $15 i'd be getting back.

saturday january 29

today i watched a stripper use a belt to administer birthday spankings to a friend.

friday january 28

today i was on the subway when i noticed that an advertisement for the second city production something wicked awesome this way comes featured the following complimentary quote from eye weekly: "awesome is awsome!" this marked the second friday in a row that i'd noticed a pretty glaring typo in an advertisement. does no one proof-read these things?

thursday january 27

today i was browsing okcupid when i noticed a familiar profile photo. i clicked through and found that, sure enough, the two photos in the profile were of a friend. reading the rest of the page, however, i was confused to see a handful of inconsistent details: her age was off by a few years, the job description didn't match, and the writing style was entirely different -- the profile was a fake! after being informed of the photo-stealer, my friend reported the profile, but i thought it would have been more fun to exchange messages with the impostor, without revealing that i knew anything. kind of like dexter becoming friends with john lithgow's character in season 4 of dexter (spoiler alert).

wednesday january 26

today i went to the beer store to buy a few beers. among my choices were two tall cans of tiger and one of kozel. as the employee was ringing them up, he joked "two tigers... a goat... it's like a zoo in here!"

tuesday january 25

today i thought i was about to witness my first instance of drama in the workplace, when one co-worker called out on another on the volume of their radio. no one else in our office uses a radio, but apparently this woman "doesn't use headphones." nothing came of the discussion, but i could tell both sides were getting a little testy about it.

monday january 24

today i stopped in at eb games on my way home from work, intending to inquire about playstation 3 promotions or bundles. although i'd resolved to buy a ps3 at some point this week, i wanted to shop around a little first to get an idea of where i could score the best deal. however, when the eb employee told me that he could offer me the last console on the shelf, along with two games, for $250 (i'd expected to pay $300 for the ps3 alone), i rethought this plan. five minutes later i was walking out of the duff with the giant playstation box under my arm.

sunday january 23

today i was told by a commenter in one of my posts for mlb trade rumors to stop using the word "opine" so much. although i'd only used it twice (in separate posts!) during my shift, i can see how that would be one too many for such a unique word. i'll keep myself in check going forward, guy.

saturday january 22

today i was lying in bed at approximately 3:00 am when it occurred to me that, if my name was timothy, a good title for my autobiography would be a story as old as tim. as i always do when i have an idea like this, i googled the phrase to see how many other people had thought of it. to my shock, the search brought up ZERO results, making this perhaps my first entirely original thought.

friday january 21

today i absentmindedly watched the tv behind the counter of pizza pizza as it played advertisements for the restaurant. when an ad plugging pizza pizza's 'cheesy bread' popped up, i was surprised to see the following line: "cheesy bread compliments chicken, pizza, and pasta." either this was a pretty glaring typo being broadcast at pizza pizza locations across the country, or their cheesy bread is just really kind to its fellow foods.

thursday january 20

today i traded a tall can of lowenbrau beer to a friend in exchange for a pabst blue ribbon. i was happy to make the swap, considering my lowenbrau had been in the fridge while the pbr hadn't, i still couldn't help but think "damn, there's a quarter i'll never get back."

wednesday january 19

today i headed to my supervisor's desk to drop off a form. not wanting to interrupt her work, i decided to leave it in the drop-box hanging outside of her cubicle wall. however, when i arrived at her cubicle, i was unsure for a couple seconds whether i was using the right drop-box. while i stood there trying to figure it out, i was in plain view of my supervisor, who noticed me lurking and slowly turned to look at me. by this point i'd decided that i was using the proper box and dropped off the form, so when she looked at me, all she saw was me walking away, empty-handed. for the next ten minutes, all i could think about was how weird i must have looked from her perspective, as if i'd just stood there staring at her for a few seconds before silently walking off.

tuesday january 18

today i rode a crowded queen streetcar while a black guy standing a few feet away from me sporadically delivered angry, bewildering freestyle rhymes. his primary focus seemed to be slavery ("my stance? fuck slavery!" he declared at one point), leading to a turn of phrase in which he vowed the "white slavemaster" could never burn him, because he was already "at the center of the earth."

monday january 17

today i had a dream in which espn.com fantasy football analysts matthew berry and christopher harris debated the merits of my blog. the format was not unusual -- they've produced online videos in the past in which they debate the merits of a football player, or the relative merits of two players. however, the sad part of the dream was that it was harris, the analyst i typically trust more, who was arguing against my blog's appeal.

sunday january 16

today i received five consecutive text messages from the automated number that sends you, via text, the streetcar schedule for any given ttc stop. unfortunately, the string of messages i received arrived at approximately 5:00pm -- considering they were in response to inquiries i'd originally sent anywhere from two hours to two days ago, their window of relevance had long since closed. thanks a lot, ttc.

saturday january 15

today i went to toby's, intending to have a low-key night watching hockey and football with a friend. instead of "low-key," my night began when i walked in on an in-progress rap battle and ended after having an hour-and-a-half conversation with a 44-year-old italian woman named francesca who only dated "younger men."

friday january 14

today i was going to the bathroom at a bar when i was stopped by a guy who was on the way to the bathroom himself. "what do you think of her?" he asked me, gesturing at the girl he was with, who was now walking ahead of him. looking to find a tone that was both congratulatory and non-threatening, i replied, "yeah, pretty good, dude." without really acknowledging my response, he asked if he could tell me a joke. i said okay, and he posed the following question: "what's the best sexual position to avoid getting pregnant?" when i said i didn't know, he happily replied, "ask your mom!" although i didn't really get it, i faked a hearty laugh and he looked really pleased with himself when he advised me to tell the joke to my friends.

thursday january 13

today i was briefly tempted to reply to a question about whether i wanted to watch parks & recreation by singing "let me see some parks and rec!" to the tune of the ciara lyric "let me see you one-two step."

wednesday january 12

today i was sitting in the cubicle of a co-worker named alvin. because his nameplate was on the cubicle entrance, this resulted in another co-worker, who i've spoken to multiple times before, casually calling me "alvin." i don't think i look like an alvin.

tuesday january 11

today i walked by a set of parents who were loading their small children into their truck while ll cool j's "doin' it" blasted out of the car stereo.

monday january 10

today i had a dream in which i was riding a bus wearing only denim cutoffs, and was being relentlessly mocked for it by the other riders.

sunday january 9

today i discussed dishwashing with my roommate. when the conversation turned to how few dishes i use, i declared: "here's my philosophy when it comes to dishes: one to make the food, one to eat it!" utensils excluded, of course. while i'd never voiced or even really thought about the philosophy before this moment, i rather enjoyed it.

saturday january 8

today i watched someone act out my name in a game of charades. his strategy to get someone to shout out the correct guess involved signaling "rhymes with..." and then pretending to vomit.

friday january 7

today i took on a new role at my ministry of health position. the work involves either accepting or rejecting applicants' claims for government funding. for the ones i don't accept, i have to print and send a letter that explains why the claim is being rejected and what can be done to fix it. to my surprise, when i printed off the first of these letters, i noticed that the name at the bottom of the page read "adam lucas." apparently the supervisor that had entered my information into the computer system was under the mistaken impression that "adam lucas" (rather than "luke adams") was my name. still, i sort of liked it, and decided not to say anything about the error, instead thinking for the rest of the day of adam lucas as a sort of batman to my bruce wayne.

thursday january 6

today i showed up 15 minutes late to work . it was the first time i'd been late without having any real reason for being so, but i figured it wouldn't really matter. this proved to be a misguided assumption -- upon my arrival, i saw that i had five e-mails in my inbox (i typically have anywhere from zero to one), the last of which opened with "when you get in this morning..."

wednesday january 5

today i was watching canada play in the world juniors championship at disgraceland. between the second and third periods, with canada leading 3-0, a few of my friends expressed sentiments like "hope russia gets a goal or two to make things a little interesting!" such statements triggered alarm bells in my head, since no good ever comes from rooting against your team in the interest of "making things interesting." still, i didn't want to be a buzzkill, so i didn't say anything. you probably know the rest.

tuesday january 4

today i met with our landlord's son to discuss their desire to increase our rent. throughout the conversation, my roommates did all the talking, while i stood in the middle and remained silent. however, rather than thinking of myself as a passive participant in the discussion, i pretended that i was the "brawn," my role simply requiring that i look menacing, which i think i did passably.

monday january 3

today i went to fresh for lunch with my roommate. during our appetizers, i put my napkin in my lap, as i occasionally do, but felt self-conscious and uncomfortable about it; i decided to just keep it on the table instead during the meal itself. while eating my burger, i ended up spilling as much on my lap as i ever have in one meal, ultimately leaving with three separate food stains on the crotch or upper leg of my jeans.

sunday january 2

today i was told by a friend that sometimes he was really jealous of my bachelor lifestyle. when he attempted to provide examples of things he envied, he started with "microwaved dinners," then apparently couldn't think of a second thing.

saturday january 1

today i was called out for only having one mariah carey song on my ipod. frankly, i thought that was more than enough.

friday december 31

today i ordered a chicago gyro dinner at fit for life. i had briefly considered choosing something else because i wasn't entirely sure how to pronounce gyro -- it seemed that pronouncing as if it was the european currency wasn't quite right, but i wasn't sure what was right. finally, i just went for it, americanizing it as much as i could, so it sounded sort of like "eye roll." jye-roh. the fact that the woman behind the counter repeated it back to me with the same pronunciation was reassuring.