tuesday november 25

today i went to a show at comedy bar, and before heading into the main stage area, stopped for a beer at the bar. the bartender handed change to the guy before me and turned toward me to get my order, but was stopped by him asking, "i gave you a $10, didn’t i?" after an awkward back-and-forth, it was determined that she’d given him $1.50 in change on his beer rather than $3.50.

when she turned back to me and i ordered a beer of my own, this seemed like a real good opportunity to say something like "so you see i’m handing you a $10, right?" in a mock-serious way, since i’m always trying to make jokes as soon as i walk into this damn place. however, she seemed unusually flustered about the mistake, so i decided not to say anything. when she went to give me the change though, she asked, "so do you want all of your change?" and i chuckled and joked, "nah, $1.50’s good," happy that we were still able to have the light-hearted moment i’d imagined.

monday november 24

today i watched from inside my house as the motion-sensor light outside my front door turned on and off again for the majority of the day. my entrance is around back, very out of the way, so i can only assume - and hope - it was the vicious wind constantly blowing leaves around that was causing the light to recognize movement, rather than someone or something just hanging around outside all day.

sunday november 23

today i went to sneaky dee’s to see the marked men. knowing that the bill included four opening bands, i went a little later than i might’ve otherwise, and caught two of those openers — when the second one left the stage, they announced that the marked men would be on next, so i made sure to secure a pretty decent spot close-ish to the front. however, the next band that came out wasn’t actually the marked men, but another opener that had been added to the bill late to replace one of the four that couldn’t make it due to passport issues. apparently the order had gotten switched around or something, resulting in the confusion.

having already gotten all excited to see the headliner, this unexpected extra opener, whose singer was very shouty and immediately jumped into the crowd (something i didn’t want to have to deal with), was a real disappointment. less than 30 seconds into their set, i turned to my friend, said "pitcher at toby’s?" he nodded and we immediately left the venue, walked 20 seconds down the street to our old favourite dive bar, split a pitcher and watched the end of the giants/cowboys game, then returned to sneaky dee’s at the exact moment the marked men took the stage. i may have lost my sweet spot in the crowd but otherwise things really couldn’t have worked out more perfectly.

saturday november 22

today i played songs at sex laser and literally didn’t come out from behind the dj booth all night because by the time i might’ve thought about taking a break, the bar was so overcrowded with people that the hassle of pushing through the crowd to get to the bathroom didn’t even seem worth it.


friday november 21

today i was talking to a friend via text message and she referred to someone's comments as "non-sensual" rather than "nonsensical" or maybe "non-sequitor." while it wasn't what she meant, or even a real word that anyone ever uses, i actually sort of liked it better.

thursday november 20

today i was told "you white folks are crazy" by my cab driver.

wednesday november 19

today i was walking down lansdowne street on the first real snow day of the year when an older woman walking in the opposite direction slipped and fell on the sidewalk. her fall was so impactful that somehow her shoe came flying off and landed right in front of me. after i picked it up and brought it over to her, a couple other passers-by and i made sure she was alright and got her back on her feet and on her way. as i resumed my walk in the same direction as one of the others who had helped out, my fellow good samaritan laughed and remarked "that was kinda scary!" in a way that made me think we were both kind of relieved we hadn’t been required to do more.


tuesday november 18

today i was about to shower when i heard what could have been a knock on the front door of my apartment. considering i wasn’t entirely sure what i was hearing (with the fan and heat on in the bathroom, the knocking was pretty muffled and could have been coming from above me or on another door in the house) and i didn’t feel like getting dressed again, i decided to just step into the shower and ignore it. i then spent the next five minutes dreaming up reasons why someone would’ve come around to the back of the house to knock on my door, ultimately concluding that the only things that made sense were a delivery (i’d ordered nothing) or an emergency (the likely scenario). by the time i got out of the shower, i was a ball of anxiety, but as it turns out, when i finally stepped outside to check on things, there was absolutely no indication that anyone had been at my door.

monday november 17

today i got three separate phone calls from a domino’s delivery guy as he attempted to ascertain where exactly i lived, what the parking situation would be like, whether he should come down a back alley, what door he should knock on, etc. after a lengthy delay, he finally showed up, having been accompanied to my place by another domino's employee. i live on a pretty major street. not sure this guy is cut out for the food-delivery game.

sunday november 16

today i got three nba-related questions wrong in a single trivia night. three! don’t even know what i’m contributing to the team anymore, you guys. feeling real low.

saturday november 15

today i referred to myself as being in "a real mama bear situation," because the temperature in my apartment has been neither too hot nor too cold since i moved in. this reference prompted a too-long conversation with a friend about whether it was the mama bear or baby bear whose property and possessions goldilocks had found "just right," and ultimately neither of us could say with 100% certainty which of them it was.

friday november 14

today i had three beers at duffy's while watching the leafs game, and saw when i received my bill that i'd only been charged for two. this isn't the first or even second time this has happened at duffy's, and each time it does happen i wrestle with the same predicament: was it an honest mistake, or is there a chance that the servers there recognize me and like me enough by now that it was intentional? on the off chance that it was intentional, saying something about it would probably be pretty dumb, right? even it was an accident, will anyone even notice? these are the questions i ask myself en route to justifying not saying anything and just leaving a bigger-than-usual tip instead.

thursday november 13

today i went to my usual td branch to deposit my pay cheque. "i just need to deposit this--" i started to say to the teller, who interrupted me and said "... in your u.s. account?" even though i recognized her, it had been at least three months or so since i’d ended up in her line at the bank, which she acknowledged when she saw my surprise, laughing and saying, "i remember!" it was the most flattering interaction i’ve had in weeks.

wednesday november 12

today i met a friend of a friend for a second time, and when our mutual friend went to introduce us and asked "have you met before?" i realized that i’ve developed a habit of waiting for the other person to respond to that question before saying anything myself. generally in this situation, one of us always seems to remember previous encounters better than the other, which has led to some awkward moments in the past, so the fact that i’m now just waiting to see what they say and then agreeing with them (whether or not i actually remember things the same way) is really a step toward my becoming a more socially competent person, probably.


tuesday november 11

today i registered for the steve harvey dating site delightful.com. although i was initially excited to do some first-hand research on the kind of dating website that would be founded by steve harvey, i only ended up lasting about four minutes on the site before i realized what i’d gotten myself into and became mortified that someone might see my profile on there.

monday november 10

today i realized that it had been more than 48 hours since i’d had a shower, and even though i wasn’t planning on going anywhere, i decided to shower before i went to bed for my own sake and for the sake of anyone who decides to drop in on me tomorrow, even though that never happens.

sunday november 9

today i worked a sunday night shift, something i haven’t done in months. usually on sunday nights i go to trivia night at the ossington and walk home afterward. as it turns out, at 11:00pm on this particular sunday night, at college and brock, an intersection i usually pass around that time, a woman was attacked by a man wielding a hacksaw. knowing that this happened while i was sitting at home prompted me to speculate about what would have happened if i’d been passing this intersection, as usual, and come across such an incident. while i’d never assume i’d have played hero, like the two guys who were actually in the area at the time, a part of me wishes i’d been passing by and had such an opportunity. with plenty of drinks in me and without much to lose, i actually think i could’ve been a real asset in stopping and running down this piece of shit, especially if i'd had the right shoes on.

saturday november 8

today i finally asked a friend who had borrowed money from me nearly a year ago whether or not she'd paid me back, and discovered that she hadn't. i think it was a real load off both our minds, since she essentially admitted to also feeling as if this unspoken debt had permeated every interaction we've had in 2014.


friday november 7

today i was leaving a pay-what-you-can show intending to leave two toonies and a loonie ($5 seems to me like a pretty standard amount for "pay what you can"). so, it was somewhat discouraging when i went to drop my coins into the bucket to see that there were already a bunch of $10 and $20 bills in there. those bills not only made me feel a little guilty about my modest contribution (maybe they were combined payments from multiple people?) but also cushioned the fall of my change so that i didn’t even get the satisfaction of hearing my bunch of coins jangling around the bottom of the bucket.


thursday november 6

today i ended up in the front row at second city for a friend’s sketch comedy show. not wanting to be in any way involved in the proceedings, i decided to take off my blue jays hat before the show started to make myself less conspicuous. sure enough, about 20 minutes into the show, a couple of girls in one sketch called out a "guy in glasses" in the front row. i spent the rest of the evening mentally patting myself on the back for making sure i hadn’t stood out in any way, lest i'd become the "guy in the hat."

wednesday november 5

today i was going to relay a little anecdote about how i'd left one of my kitchen utensils outside by my barbecue for two weeks without even noticing it, but then i realized i didn’t actually know what i'd call this utensil. what is this? a spatula? a turner? a "fish slice"?

tuesday november 4

today i ordered thai food about 12 hours after having a discussion with a friend about how terrible i am at complaining or doing anything when my delivery orders get screwed up. as if the universe felt like it had to explicitly prove this, this thai-food delivery guy didn’t bring my drink, and sure enough i did and said nothing about it.


monday november 3

today i received my blue jays season ticket holder brochure in the mail. with prices going up 22% for next year, i haven't decided whether or not to buy my season tickets again, so i was thumbing through the brochure to see if there was anything that would sway my opinion one way or the other. about halfway through, there was a page outlining how you can earn "additional benefits" by attending games this year, and at the end of a list of benefits and perks that actually sounded pretty cool was the following item: be a member of the grounds crew for a game. yeah, real cool benefit there. "no no, i can't sit with you for today's game, i have to go down and report to work."


sunday november 2

today i was watching some football at the dock ellis, a bar whose layout i’m not particularly fond of -- the tables are all long, like cafeteria tables, accommodating four people on either side and making it a bit tricky to hang out if you’re there with just one other person. still, it was the late afternoon and wasn't exactly packed, so my friend and i had at least a half of one of these tables to ourselves. at one point though, while i was looking down at my phone, a girl came up to our table and sat down in the seat next to me. “here we go,” i thought. “things must be getting pretty crowded if we’re going full on communal seating now.” it took a good two or three seconds before i realized that the girl was actually an old friend of mine who had come over to say hi.

saturday november 1

today i drank from a bottle labeled "witch’s potion" at a halloween party, but it turned out to just be vodka.


friday october 31

today i went to get my last beer at a halloween party and discovered it had gone missing from the fridge. the worst part was that even though i was the only one drinking that specific brand of beer, i couldn't even identify the culprit by the can because everyone was using those stupid red cups. a perfect crime.

thursday october 30

today i was settling up a restaurant bill, which came to $23, and because i only had $20 bills, i slipped a couple of those inside the little bill-holding booklet. when my server returned to the table, he picked up the book without looking inside it and asked "you good?" for some reason, i assumed that he was asking if i was ready to pay, since maybe he couldn't tell if i'd actually put cash or a card in there, so i said yes. it was only when he replied "thanks, have a good day!" that i realized "you good?' meant "do you need change?"

for the next two or three minutes, i sat there drinking the rest of my beer, thinking about how awkward it was going to be to go up to the bar and say "actually, i do need some change after all." thankfully, as i was about to finish, he came back over with some money, laughing and saying, "i was looking at it and thinking 'he must want change!'" relieved to have avoided a more uncomfortable encounter, i left him a pretty generous tip, albeit not the 73% i was originally on the hook for.

wednesday october 29

today i was watching game 7 of the world series while working, and decided that if i had to work during the game, at least i was gonna order myself some pizza. when the domino's delivery guy showed up, he made a good first impression by asking "you hungry?" before handing me my food, which i thought was a pretty funny thing to say. however, things took an ugly turn when he heard the sound of the tv, and we had the following exchange:

him: "you watching the game there?"
me: "yeah, world series!"
him (sounding disgusted): "you're watching that?"
me: "yeah man, game 7."
him: "it's booorrrrring."
me (thinking maybe i should hold back a dollar or two from his tip): "c'mon."
him: "the blue jays aren't even in it!"
me: "yeah i'll say."


tuesday october 28

today i went to duffy's to watch the leafs and game 6 of the world series, just a day after i'd passed by and noticed that the bar was closed off, with a huge crowd gathered at the side of the building. i asked our server if she knew what had been going on at the bar on monday, and she confirmed that yes, it had been closed off and they'd been filming a commercial there. bruce willis was there, she said! this seemed awfully hard to believe, but she was adamant about it, and it really shone a whole new light on my favourite local sports dive, knowing that john mcclane himself had hung out within those same four walls.

monday october 27

today i took a plane home from chicago and sat in front of a family whose three sons ranged in age from maybe 8 to 13 or so. one of these kids had a book of animal-themed jokes that he read from during the entire flight, delivering the punch lines to his parents after they attempted to guess the answers (sample question: what do you call it when a giraffe is reading a book? a tall tale). there were whole sections in this book devoted to specific animals, meaning he'd read a dozen consecutive jokes about - for instance - ducks. even as someone who usually appreciates bad puns, this was excruciating, and i had to give up my book and put on headphones after about 20 minutes of it. the kicker came when we were about to land and i heard the kid say, "there's knock-knock jokes in here? c'mooonnnnnn!" as if he was too good for those, but perfectly fine with all the shitty, one-note puns he'd been reading out loud for the last hour and a half.

sunday october 26

today i met my boss in person for the first time, despite having worked for him for more than five years.

saturday october 25

today i requested "it wasn't me" by shaggy at a wedding, which in retrospect was one of the least thematically appropriate songs i possibly could've asked for and i don't blame the dj for not playing it.

friday october 24

today i finished a plastic container of mixed greens before its expiry date, which in my view is one of the most exceptional food-related accomplishments a person living alone can accomplish, made even more impressive by the fact that i did it a day before going out of town for the weekend.

thursday october 23

today i heard my landlord's husband (the car lover) come by after work to check out - and perhaps fix - the broken furnace in our house. the furnace is located in the basement, not in my apartment, but in the little-used room on the other side of my bathroom wall. as such, i could hear him and the main-floor tenant pretty clearly just a room or two away. after they'd been down there for about 20 minutes, it occurred to me that i'd put on a bunch of classic rock songs since they'd arrived, a change from the tinashe album i'd been playing non-stop most of the day. trying way too hard to make up for not being into cars, you guys.


wednesday october 22

today i was at the laundromat waiting for my clothes to finish drying when i noticed for the first time an unusual set of locked cupboards that appeared to contain not just laundry supplies for sale, but also various foods and household items. here are some examples of the goods which appeared to be available:

while i didn't plan on actually buying anything from out of the cupboard (there was nobody around to ask anyway), i spent a couple minutes idly wondering what kind of cookies made up the not-pictured "large cookie package."

tuesday october 21

today i made a grocery trip that included loading up on toilet paper and paper towels, no small feat considering how much bag space those monstrosities take up. unfortunately when i got home i realized it was kleenex, not paper towels, that i'd run out of. having been dealing with allergies the last few days, i spent the evening blowing my nose into (admittedly pretty soft) paper towels.

monday october 20

today i lost an umbrella for probably at least the seventh time since moving to toronto. while in most instances, this has been a source of annoyance and frustration, in this case it was almost like having a burden off my shoulders -- i knew exactly which bar i'd left the umbrella at, and could've easily walked back and picked it up, but it was half-broken and barely functional, and it was a relief to have an excuse to just move on to a new one.