saturday december 30

today i listened to my two grandfathers concur that in-person banking beats online banking any day because of 'pretty blond' tellers.

friday december 29

today i was jabbed with a fork while attempting to set up a new stereo system in our family room.

thursday december 28

today i watched a youtube video of my brother ghostriding a honda acura.

wednesday december 27

today i sent (and received) my first ever text message via cellular telephone, and also created a myspace page. look out technology, i am on the loose!!

tuesday december 26

today i played for the winning team in a hyper-competitive family scavenger hunt which culminated in everyone loudly arguing over whether 'universal cement' counted as something that begins the letter u (or merely c for cement).

monday december 25

today i watched the cowboys/eagles football game with my brother and grandfather. while i was mostly focused on the game, the two of them made small talk about the various players named adams in the nfl. my grandfather noted that all of them were black and weren't from his family!! he continued: "like my grandfather used to say, another nigger in the woodpile." it was awkward.

sunday december 24

today i celebrated christmas eve with my family by playing a few games of euchre and then going to a late-night church service, honouring the time-tested holiday tradition of gambling and jesus.

saturday december 23

today i walked aimlessly through a deathly silent downtown london at 5:30 am carrying the buffy the vampire slayer (season 7) box set.

friday december 22

today i attended a party that my eleventh grade history teacher also attended.

thursday december 21

today i was hit on by a dude that looked like kevin barnes from of montreal.

wednesday december 20

today i dreamt that i was on a little league baseball team. i was approximately twice as old as the other kids on the team, who were arguably a more appropriate age for little league baseball (10-11ish). despite being at this obvious advantage though, when it came time, during our practice, to run sprints from baseline to baseline, i struggled to keep up with my teammates. whenever we came to each baseline and had to come to a sharp stop and reverse direction, my feet would slip and prevent me from making quick cuts, while their little legs never seemed to slow down! i ended up being the last one on the field completing the sprints, extremely frustrated and unrelentingly embarrassed.

tuesday december 19

today i noticed that one of the bills in my wallet had a streak of blood on it. my blood. this is a less sinister story than it sounds; it involves a finger pinched in one of those heavy downtown garbage bins and then my buying a beer in between paper-towel-bandaid changes. just one of those things, you know. anyway, so my blood is on this money. pretty much uncleanable. and it's not like you can throw it out. it can never be considered garbage. you could try to throw it in the trash and someone would be like 'hey guys, found some money mixed in with the garbage!' impossible. i guess you could burn it or something, but that's a bit extreme. point is: that bill will get traded around, passed from hand to hand, and will always have my blood on it.

so like, i hope i don't have aids or something, or they might name an epidemic after me.

monday december 18

today i arrived at talbot college at 8:10, 50 minutes before my exam started, to get in some last-minute studying. although i was one of only three people sitting in the entire hallway upon arriving, i was mostly distracted from my studies by the other two guys loudly discussing clown (and midget) porn.

sunday december 17

today i conquered madden nfl '07 (won the super bowl on all-madden difficulty!!). appropriately, having achieved the pinnacle of its existence, my nintendo gamecube console stopped working forever, an hour later. r.i.p.

saturday december 16

today i happened upon, with my tongue, a small bump on the roof of my mouth. it has never been there before. i can only assume it's cancerous, so i probably only have a few short months to live. goodbye, world.

friday december 15

today i coined the term 'roboner' to describe the sexual arousal of the emotionless (robots!!). while googling the term to see just how many people had beaten me to it, i stumbled across a youtube video that, while indeed portraying some sort of robot, seems to represent the absolute antithesis of sexual excitement.

thursday december 14

today i brainstormed with cali for approximately 15 minutes about what she could paint her mother for christmas. after my best suggestion was deemed seasonally inappropriate, virtually every one of our subsequent ideas revolved around a variation of the classic, time-tested theme of: animals falling into puddles.

wednesday december 13

today i stopped briefly by a local x-ray clinic to get some pics of my back taken. when i arrived, there was only one other person in the waiting room, an elderly dutch woman. i sat down and she asked if i wanted a magazine to read (she was hogging the pile); i politely declined. a moment later, she put her own magazine down and began talking to me. during the few moments that i waited for the x-rayers to call my name, she told detailed stories about the following subjects: her emigratory boat trip from holland to canada, the percentage of people that got seasick on transport ships, her honeymoon, the emigration of another dutch family of 11, her first job in canada, her husband's first job in canada, her husband's brother's first job in canada, and where she was going for dinner tonight.

tuesday december 12

today i found out that two of my favourite bars in the world (this admittedly may be a result of lack of bar exposure) have recently introduced new tuesday club nights. holla.

monday december 11

today i dreamt that i inadvertantly changed my computer's desktop background to a photograph of a woman sitting down to dinner with only a giant piece of meat in the shape of a human hand and forearm (sort of like an oven mitt) on her plate.

sunday december 10

today i received an e-mail with the subject: 'yo sir, your woody is really small.' sir. respectful. it went on to read: 'i don't care why your thing is so small, but 82% of women do. they are pretty sure that bigger prick will make their desire stronger.' this raises many questions, including the following:

1. are 82% of women really interested in knowing why my thing is so small?
2. if they are, why aren't the rest? do they not have naturally inquisitive minds? or just gay?
3. 'pretty sure' doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement. what happens if i..... make some changes, and it turns out their desire isn't any stronger at all?!?
4. in hindsight: is 'sir' truly respectful when paired with 'yo' and followed by an unabashed critique of my woody?

saturday december 9

today i unsuccessfully attempted to will a box of kleenex onto a nearby desk using only the powers of my mind, when the girl sitting behind me during an exam sniffled loudly approximately once every three seconds for quite some time.

friday december 8

today i spent a half-hour at 4:00 am watching youtube videos of random people dancing to webstar's and young b's "chicken noodle soup."

later, i practiced the dance myself and discovered that not only were my feet too slow for the 'chicken noodle soup' part, but even my 'let it rain, clear it out' motions were fairly lacking.

thursday december 7

today i drove across the city to school at 7:00 am amidst some sort of apocalyptic nuclear winter not unlike the world in that one sigur ros video (except mine had more snow, fewer children in gas masks, and was scored by justin timberlake). as such, the crosstown trip to hand in a couple essays was quite harrowing. at one point on my drive home, my wheels locked up while i was in the midst of a bend in the road. i frantically pumped the brake to no avail, and drifted into the path of an oncoming car in the opposite lane. luckily, the driver of the car noticed my struggles in time and swerved onto the shoulder to avoid a head-on collision! sweet moves, random woman!!

wednesday december 6

today i dreamt that i had killed 890 people in the last year alone, and was named 'killer of the year' in one publication's best of 2006 wrap-up.

tuesday december 5

today i woke up and heard various voices coming from outside my bedroom. i looked at my clock and it said 5:19. my brain immediately began running through possibilities for my household being awake and talking at 5:19. contagious insomnia? some sort of family emergency maybe? late-night thieving incident? after a few seconds of this hypothesizing, i came to realize that it was in fact 5:19 pm, not am. this explained a lot (namely: people being awake).

monday december 4

today i listened to one of lcd soundsystem's new songs, "north american scum," on repeat for a while. the constant use of the word scum in the song reminded me of an incident that took place when i was approximately 7 years old. while on a family walk, i jokingly referred to my dad as "scum" and was admonished for it by my mom. for years, i was annoyed by the irony that the only reason i knew the word in the first place was because i'd read it in a book that she recommended for me.

sunday december 3

today i was driving home from work on commissioners road when i came to a red light. while sitting at the light, i noticed that the minivan in front of me had some pokemon movies playing on the video screen in the vehicle. i became so fascinated by the pokemons that after the light turned green, it took me a half-block to realize that i was tailgating.

saturday december 2

today i was listening to the new young jeezy album when my dad came into the room and told me that my great aunt had died. i was out of reach of the volume control, so this news was immediately followed by jeezy loudly rapping: "now i command you niggas to get money!"

friday december 1

today i was sleeping on a couch in a friend's house when i heard a woman's voice shout: "mel?!" it sounded rather close but i assumed she was outside. after all, there were no mels in this house. a few seconds later, the source of the voice, a middle-aged woman i didn't recognize, appeared at the end of my couch. i groggily said hi, and she apologized for waking me up, saying that she'd just been looking for something. then she left. i thought little of it at the time and fell asleep again quickly, but in retrospect: wtf?

thursday november 30

today i passed a guy in talbot college who was poring over some sort of paper whose title, printed in large type on the front page, ended: "ain't shit." his hand was covering the first part of the title, preventing me from seeing the whole thing. and i have no idea if this was an essay, some other form of assignment, or perhaps even a rough copy of a screenplay! but imagine the possibilities if this was indeed an essay for, say, a shakespeare class. possibilities for titles and corresponding essay topics:

1. "bitches ain't shit" -- most obvious title, of the same name as the classic dr. dre track. this would obviously be an essay discussing gender roles in taming of the shrew.
2. "witches ain't shit" -- an essay arguing against the importance of the witches' role in macbeth.
3. "twitches ain't shit" -- an essay arguing that lady macbeth's eventual craziness does not diminish the importance of her role in macbeth.
4. "switches ain't shit" -- an essay arguing that the wildly varying subjects and objects of love in a midsummer night's dream do not diminish the play's impact as an affecting romantic comedy

etc.

wednesday november 29

today i drank eight full bottles of water. it was probably the most water i ever drank in a day, even this summer when i was a landscapist. the frequency with which i made lengthy number-one bathroom trips today was irritating and probably not worth feeling 'healthy.'

tuesday november 28

today i compiled a preliminary playlist of 207 potential candidates for my eventual top songs of 2006 list. instead of writing a now overdue essay.

monday november 27

today i received an e-mail with the subject line: "wanna hold a brick on your dick? try our cialis soft tabs (warning: don't try it)." the body of the e-mail reads: "with our soft cialis tabs you will be able to chop the wood with your dick (warning: don’t try it). you always wanted to use your penis as a billiards cue. our soft cialis tabs can help you fulfill your dreams."

i know that laughing at the contents of spam e-mails is a bit played out, but in a few short lines this one
a) rhymes;
b) provides three hilarious and wildly impractical alternate uses for dicks;
c) provides "don't try this at home"-style warnings for these alternate uses; and
d) appears to instruct the reader NOT to try the advertised product immediately after extending the invitation to try it

and i have to recognize and appreciate it for this.

sunday november 26

today i looked over my shoulder approximately once every 15 seconds for three blocks on oxford street to keep tabs on the lone person walking about 200 yards behind me. under normal circumstances, i would pay this person no mind, but it was 3:30 am and there was no one else in sight. i had spent my last three dollars an hour earlier paying for a small fraction of a cab ride, and was concerned that if he attempted to mug me and found me penniless, he'd settle for taking the only thing of value left in my wallet: my constantines ticket. i was not about to let him take my place at that show.

saturday november 25

today i watched a squirrel skulk around on a neighbour's lawn carrying no less than five or six scrunched-up leaves in his mouth. what did he need with these leaves? theory: he is blind and thought they were nuts. this would explain why he kept walking around in circles not really going anywhere. alternate theory: he is building some sort of fort.

friday november 24

today i saw an advertisement on a bus shelter that read: "forget about 'em... lose your life" and had a picture of some candles in the background. i guess the implied message here is: "(if you) forget about 'em (the candles, that is)... (there's a chance that they could fall over and burn out of control and if you've fallen asleep or whatever you'll probably) lose your life." at first though, i read it as: "forget about 'em(, those other people in the bus shelter or on the bus with you. you don't need them. they don't even care about you)... lose your life (here, use these candles to do it)" and it seemed like a pretty sinister advertisement by some sort of coalition against overpopulation.

thursday november 23

today i sat in on a jam session with the rock band titty driven. they let me accompany the jamming (with hand-clapping and heavy breathing), and i felt the creative energy rushing through my blood and through my bones. it was exhilarating.

wednesday november 22

today i pulled my first all-nighter of the school year. i was on campus at 7:00 am and there was frost covering all of the ground and no students anywhere. it was quite nice.

tuesday november 21

today i had to bring a lot of books to school. see i planned to read some poems from my british literature anthology and read through some of the books on modern brit lit i'd borrowed from the library, so that i could decide what to write an essay on. there were a lot of books. my backpack couldn't handle this. for the last three or four years, my right shoulder strap has been hanging by mere threads, meaning that i can't put all the weight on that shoulder or bring more than one textbook to school at a time, for fear of it breaking. while leaving my first class today, i heard a pop next to my right ear that suggested threads giving out! i immediately sprung into action, shifting all the weight to my left shoulder and moving a couple of the books out of the bag (one fit in my coat pocket; i carried another). but sadly this was the straw that broke the camel's back....pack. later in the day, the strap snapped off and i was left looking pretty weird (one strap hanging down to the ground) and with a sore shoulder during my walk home.

so i need a new backpack i guess.

monday november 20

today i ate dinner downtown. after i finished, i went to the bus stop to take the bus to class. while standing at the bus stop, i noticed that a giant but bizarrely stubborn piece of sandwich had lodged itself in between two of my bottom teeth. i worked at it with my tongue for a while (at the bus stop, on the bus, walking to class, etc.) but it just would not come out! upon arriving at the ucc, i decided to go to the bathroom so i could work the fingers without the public embarrassment of digging around in my mouth like a caveperson. when i got there though, there were three dudes around and i still had no privacy! so i went to class and worked the tongue pretty hard for another 50 minutes, to no avail. after cursing myself for not carrying around a piece of floss with me at all times, i bolted for the bathroom once again at the break. this time i had it to myself and went to town with the fingers, eventually prevailing and proving man's superiority to food, once and for all. it was a harrowing hour and a half, but spitting that piece of sandwich into the sink was the best moment of my week so far.

sunday november 19

today i received an e-mail with the subject line "mart has sent you a personalized e-greeting from itsredagain.com!" i deleted it because mart obviously isn't a real name and it came in with a bunch of other spam and no one wants to click links in sketchy e-mails. later i found out that it was from my mother and she'd made a typo while spelling mary.

saturday november 18

today i fell asleep at 5 am in a bus shelter outside the real canadian superstore at oxford and hyde park.

friday november 17

today i spoke on the phone to a representative of the toronto blue jays who tried to get me to renew my ticket package for the upcoming season. when i told her that i'd rather not commit to anything at this point, she said she'd bet me $1000 that i'd call her back in march, regretting my decision. i wish i'd taken her up on this offer. she had a sexy voice and all but for $1000 i think i could hold off on calling her indefinitely.

thursday november 16

today i rode the bus to school and saw one of my friends elsewhere on the bus but didn't try to talk to her or even say hi because the bus was full and she had headphones on. afterwards i felt a little bad and gave myself an internal talking to for being antisocial.

then i did it again to a different friend on the bus ride home.

wednesday november 15

today i sat for an hour with a large fruit tray (radius: 6.5 inches, height: 2.5 inches), slowly eating most of it. it was around half full when i started and by the end it was nearly empty. there were cantaloupes, grapes, and various melons. it was delicious but i was a little sick of fruit by the end and in need of representation from the other food groups, or at least in need of a liedown.

tuesday november 14

today i decided to get back into prince after hearing "i wanna be your lover" in a movie. i missed prince. listening to him made me want to have a prince dance party. then i thought that it would be even better if i took the idea a step further and made it a full-fledged royalty party. costumes required. you wouldn't have to dress as royalty per se. you could get creative. like, anything from queen latifah to queen victoria to rodney king to king kong to princess superstar to princess peach would be acceptable. the more creative, the better. and the soundtrack would be all prince, of course, highlighted by "baby i'm a star," "i could never take the place of your man," and "i wanna be your lover." "purple rain" would be the slow-jam finale. there would need to be a lot of crowns. a lot of crowns.