friday may 30

today i went to aqua golf, the local driving range that lets you hit your balls into the water. no one else was there, but the sign read 'open' so we walked up to the window of the shop, only to find no one there, or anywhere else on the premises. unsure of quite what to do, we helped ourselves to a couple buckets of balls, with the intention of paying if anyone showed up. five minutes later, a truck pulled up and a guy who presumably owned or at least worked at the shop, amicably asked if we'd found everything all right, acting as if it was the most normal thing in the world to leave the driving range, including the cash, entirely unattended.

thursday may 29

today i sprinted three blocks down richmond st. in an effort to miss as little of the lost season finale as possible.

wednesday may 28

today i had a nightmare which involved me climbing through a narrow passageway that turned into the inside of a beehive, with sticky pollen and honey everywhere. it made me realize just how terrified i am of being small enough to be stuck inside a beehive, a fear which i believe stems from my first childhood viewing of honey, i shrunk the kids.

tuesday may 27

today i mistakenly said "writ" instead of "wrote" not just once, but two times in one conversation. i'd like to say that this word misuse was just me being old school, but sadly, this was not at all the case.

monday may 26

today i rode a bus that had 'byron 4 life' etched with marker on a seat near the back. it was the second time i'd seen this graffiti on (presumably) this same bus, and it reminded me that i'd originally intended to write about it in this very blog, the first time around, but did NOT remind me what exactly i was planning to write about it.

sunday may 25

today i was assigned to change a set of fluorescent tube lights. there were four lights in the fixture, and two had burnt out. not wanting to burn or electrocute myself, i turned off the breaker leading to the light, and after some strenuous effort getting the two dead ones out and the two new ones in, triumphantly turned the breaker back on, only to find just one of the four lights now functioning. frustrated, i climbed back up to the fixture without bothering to turn the breaker off again, and began fiddling with the brand-new light that hadn't turned on. within about three seconds, sparks flew everywhere, nearly throwing me back off the ladder in surprise.

saturday may 24

today i dreamed that i got kicked out of a brian wilson show for eating one of his french fries. he stopped in the middle of a song to do it himself.

friday may 23

today i coerced a friend into telling me where i would place if he were to make a list that ranked his favourite people at the house party we were at.

thursday may 22

today i received a phone call just after i ordered at the beer store. when the call came in, i was in the middle of attempting to shove my six-pack into my backpack, but i didn't want to let the call go and continue the game of phone tag we'd been playing, so i picked up with my right hand and attempted to shove the beer into my bag with my left hand. after approximately 10 or 15 seconds of struggling this way and feeling vaguely aware that everyone in the store was watching me, i decided it'd probably be best to put the phone down for a few seconds to get the job done and be on my way.

wednesday may 21

today i made a resolution to start running every day (or at least five times a week or so), in an effort to both curb my growing gut and to improve my stamina while playing one-on-one basketball games. while my first foray into this 'running' wasn't exactly a return to my glory days of physical fitness, i ran about a mile and a half without passing out or puking everywhere, so i'd call it a good start.

tuesday may 20

today i realized, after a week of using the darwin awards (paperback edition) as bathroom reading, that i didn't even particularly enjoy its accounts of stupid deaths. rather than finding it amusing or entertaining, it usually just left me feeling a bit more down than i had been before.

monday may 19

today i was preparing for another day of work on a spring landscaping project in our garden, slipping on my work gloves. as i shoved my right hand into the glove, a pine needle, hidden in the last finger of the glove, lodged itself into my pinky finger, jamming under the fingernail, causing me to recoil in surprise and pain, and drawing blood under the nail. it was an ominous beginning to the day.

sunday may 18

today i used two bathrooms that were probably among the top five dingiest in london. the first was the wick's, where a drunken middle-aged man stormed in while i was using a urinal and demanded that the guy in the stall "get the fuck out of there!" the second was at the salt lounge, where there were so few urinals or stalls available at one point that as i stood at the sink, i noticed someone using the garbage can as a toilet. i shot him a questioning sideways glance as i washed my hands (like any amount of soap and water could cleanse me), to which he exclaimed "well don't look at me, dude!" which seemed fair.

saturday may 17

today i attempted to throw a football over my own house, the first step in a process whose eventual goal was sealing a leak in a bathroom skylight.

friday may 16

today i listened to bruce springsteen's "glory days" in the afternoon, and was inspired to consider what my glory days were, and when they happened. later in the day, while reminiscing with my brother about recess football games in public school, i decided that my glory days took place in the era in which one of my friends and i were not allowed to play on the same team for fear of unbalanced competition.

thursday may 15

today i waited outside williams for 20 minutes to meet someone while she waited 20 minutes inside.

wednesday may 14

today i prepared for the prospect of hosting a talk radio show for the first time with no guests in the studio with me, and the potential of having to deliver a half-hour monologue. to instill some form of 'debate' into the proceedings, i pondered the idea of reading fabricated e-mails from fictional listeners, posing questions that would allow me to make arguments on various subjects. any listeners flipping through stations that happened to hear me would probably think i was fairly schizophrenic.

tuesday may 13

today i bought a six-pack of beer at the lcbo in cherryhill mall and made my way over to the nearby td bank from there. as i approached the entrance, a van covered with the logos of local christian radio station 'grace fm' parked in the spot right by the door and a man with a cane and noticeable limp got out. not wanting to be that guy that blew by the disabled christian radio employee with a six-pack and an urgent need for cash, i patiently waited as he walked up the steps ahead of me. as he went to open the door, i jumped in front of him, attempting to be EXTRA polite and open the door for him, however, as is typically the case, one of the two side-by-side doors to the building was locked; i happened to pick that one, and was stymied. he casually opened the correct, unlocked door on his own, and what was meant to be a helping hand on my part ended up looking like i was trying to sneak in ahead of him at the last second by using the door that he wasn't. all of my consideration for naught.

monday may 12

today i taught myself how to play backgammon, for no particular reason. i don't even have a board.

sunday may 11

today i went out for dinner with my family for mother's day, and my dad, brother and i spent approximately half of the meal looking up at the surrounding televisions in the restaurant in hopes of getting updates on the jazz/lakers game. my poor mother. how badly did she want a girl.